Stone Diaries

Hey.
Thanks for stopping by,again.
Gimme a second,I'm rolling up..

Ok.
Before i begin,do I really need to say this is one of those moments,where I'm gonna pour a deep Burrough of myself on to [web]paper..for complete strangers [you] to read..
Ok.
[sighs]
I've come to find,I'm emotional because my dad was emotionless. I'm flighty because my mom is flighty..maybe I have it backwards..but,the negative sides to those [e]qualities is that I tend to be really needy and unstable. I can be irresponsible and flaky. I'm not a stone that doesn't feel ,I'm totally in touch with my emotions . And,I find that I'm a better dreamer because of my flightiness. I'm a better projector of all possibilities,I'm restrained and guarded and not so spastic. My life hasn't been easy. Just like,my barbie-my hearts been broken..so,has hers.
I've been single for two years,I'm totally comfortable where I am. Nothing more to focus on other than my work . So,he came at a good time. When the passion is bubbling.
-He slept over one night. It was pretty cool. He on his back..my head resting on his underarm..we fell asleep watching Rambo 4just made it back from a night at the river. He comforting me,after my house was burgularized. His six foot frame,lying comfortably beside me. We fit. His green & black high top Gucci sneakers looked right,on myhardwood floor..I'm smitten,kinda..a gentleman, an advisor, a true force to be reckoned with. And,he came at a time where I'm not really looking for a relationship. My single days are the best days for me,nI've always been in serious relationships..but,you learn more about yourself when you're by yourself.Honestly, I was enjoying the process. Friends asks "Love at first sight"? Not likely.
I do,however,believe in feeling connected. Love is something that grows from being nourished;it builds.

Pardon me..

This was suppose to be about "freedom"
Freedom to me? Being extricated from a "threshold"; my definition "off top". I'm seeking freedom from this crazy creatively constrained mind of mine,lol.

[lights the blunt]

A mind that is constantly ram bushed with ideas,emotions, to-do lists, appointments, emailing/texting ideas to my Marketing/PR [Mariah & Bria]..anger,excitement & creating blissful perception all at the same time.

I'm so thankful my mother raised me to have a creative mind. Freedom often envisioned as a place in my life where everything plays less of a part than we make them out to be. Things are never as bad as they seem..although,this is hard for me to digest,also..[rolls eyes]..No,I won't have a tantrum because I cant afford to get those jeans and those sneakers.,at the same time.We just need to wait for the next check..none of that is seen as a big deal,anymore.
A life free from material..(yea,right)..I love to look pretty. I love be stylistic. I live a fab life with a harsh reality. (lol) Ever since I was a child,I've been attracted to shiny things. Can't help it.

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttttttttttt!
FREEDOM FROM MATERIAL.

[p2]
Being 23, loved a time or two, gorgeous..but,equally flawed. I seek freedom from approval,also..

Let the truth be told. I fall hard..I'm not one of those guys that fall easily-although,it sounds,better (fall "easily")-but,I'm a tough cookie or as my Great Grandmother,"Big Mama" has joked my entire life,"J.,you're a tough pill to swallow". I've gone from "you're going to be..", to "you are a..". Gotta love progress.

I'm straightforward. I don't do much corner cutting. I search for the easiest & realest way to come at you. Often times,I find myself standing alone..either in ankle length Ferragamo boots or Thom Browne's calfe skin leather lace ups..but,my single world has been shaken, having met this young fellow. .we'll call him *the new guy* or "Mr. Fashion",those are the names best suitable for him. We've encountered a rough patch coming to "that point",in our "getting to know process"-the point where he realizes I'm not like the others. It's admirable. We're at the point where we're telling our mom's about one another. It's cute. I went out with friends last night,an old friend that I hadn't seen in a year or two,stopped by and we sat at the dinner table,eating and catching up with one another. We sat there and discussed the romantic aspects of our lives and our past endeavors. It was fun. I explain the details of the "rough patch"we'd encoutered..he asks about the other prospects,I speak of another fellow in Atlanta, I'm sharing my attention between the two. Both of their bodies are like,"BAM!!" Except one is yellow..the other is chocolate..mmm..(licks lips)

Anyway..
What does freedom have to do about this?
I wish I was free to engage in a relationship without the apprehension. I'm accepted for who I am. Noone has asked me to change for anything..they are both great admirers of my style.. I'm an admirer of Mr. Fashion's style..he's someone to keep around (winks)

Dudes & Dudettes,I'm stoned..
Gonna take a minute..take a few pics..and talk to you at another date..
I just wanted to get some shit off my mind.

Feeling better..

It's been mad long since my last entry. Everything has been everything,in the between time. But,I'm no longer speaking on the past and that's what matters,no?

I've been on tour. Traveling alot. Doing "the most". Gaining weight. Working. Chiefing. Gain more weight.

(I'm usually a 26w,I'm now wearing a 28w-which doesn't sit well with me)

But,I've been working tirelessly. The way I like it to be done. Smoke myself out on our break. And,go back working and filling my schedule more and more,the way I long for life to be. Semi-"jet setting",lol. My dog has a Mohawk..he's feeling very punk/edge this season. (pics coming soon)

North Carolina,was our first destination. It was an incredible 1st event. Got to network and spend time with Tasha. I can never get enough of her encouraging words.I swear she lifts my spirits. She's lovely. We've added a few people to the panel,Actress; AJ Johnson,Fashion Stylist/BET Correspondent;Michaela Angela Davis, Singer;Eric Roberson,singer & daughter of Legend,Donnie Hathaway,;Lalah Hathaway, Producer/Actress;Daphne Valerius,and some other folk stopped by along the way. Went much better than it did last year and the talent was absolutely ridiculous! My make up team was incredible! They really blew my mind. The Atlanta team was incredible also,very homely down to earth people. Adorable guys..I had a great team. It was beautiful and most importantly no confrontations. Except a little "spazzing" out, Stacey does. Forgetting that her reigning days are over,lol. But,she's amazing at what she does,don't get me wrong. But,her perception of me is totally screwed and I fight to show what I'm capable of. The limits that are presented will be crossed every single time and when it comes to my BRAND,I,too,must represent my business to the full extent. And,if that means,ignoring a member of management for a mini conversation with AJ Johnson about working with her on an upcoming project,"Hell yes, I'm going to ignore you!" So,there was a little chip on her shoulder and dared me to knock it off. It was knocked off. So many people think,I'm new to this and I'm so young in mind...I'm not young,darling..I'm a new feel. You're soo traditional it's horrific. You know? But,it's what is. No reason to have even brought that up.
It was too weird.

I'm on break now. I've been relaxing. Taking time to think and analyze some things in life-you know we get to that point every now & again-thinking of the "what ifs",no long really acknowledging "what is",you feel me?

I'm doing this little dating thing,again. New guy. Great fashion sense. He has me open. He's multifaceted. Sings, writes, awesome style,he thinks and speaks and he's really into me. He pieces me together. Which is awesome. He tells me I'm beautiful. There's a new haircut. I continue to chop,chop,chop length off..speaking of chop,chop,chopping..I can't stop fucking eating! I'm eating lemon braised chicken,mashed potatoes,grilled veggies, four rolls with mad butter and water on the first night. Second night,Molasses braised lamp chop,broccoli and red wine. Room service two nights in a row. Third night,burger at nearby bar/diner,sweet potato fries and onion rings..large onion rings. (gawd!) Fourth day,3 cups of coffee and an egg with grits & cheese. That evening,soul food from some ghetto place in Atlanta..Chic-fil-a salad that night. Since I've been on break,it's been unbearable. I eat mad food,I have one of those grandmothers that cook a whole meal every single day..so, I'm eating a broiled steak and onions, white rice with vegetable and cornbread..some kind of greens and baked chicken,cornbread & cabbage..you know? Shit like that,just eating! And,I'm feeling I need to lose 10lbs. So,that's what I'm working on. Losing weight.

Did some shopping last week..nothing major..jeans & sneakers..$500 on two pair of sneaks..it's hard,man. I have a shopping addiction. I need to go to rehab for this addiction. Confession of a Shopaholic is said to be MY movie. I'm dying here. Also, there's DeRay,he's still in the picture. He's currently in Barbados on vacation. I should have gone with him..Bora-Bora,next week. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm gonna try and go a week without my phone. Of course,my laptop will be with me..but,I was told there won't be time to check my emails,I'll be too busy relaxing. It's going to be an awesome trip,I believe. White sands. Calming waters. Exfoliation. Relaxation. Oh,geez-I just envisioned it and pre-came..that shit is serious,you guys!

I'm addicted.

Anyway,life has been good. My spot was burglarized and ram shacked on yesterday,but I'm staying focused. I didn't expose any emotion. They tried to kill my dog. It's been pretty interesting. I'm infuriated,quite honestly..but,what can you do,until they're caught? He'll be dead,though. I can assure you,he'll be dead.

As,I was saying,life has been good. Traveling. Having time to indulge and go crazy with passion,you know? I can't afford not to be passionate and go crazy. Every opportunity given is a bigger,more advance preparation test for the "real deal",lol!
Trust me.

Anyway,
I'm tired..gonna crash.
Nite,nite.

Puff,puff..think?

It's been a cold few days. Not speaking of the weather. I'm speaking of everything that's been going on in the past couple of days. DJ and I came to the understanding that we need a break,especially since I'll be traveling the states..it's so amazing how things happen with the two of us. He's finally coming off the road,I jump on the road..Of course,it's difficult to digest,but realistically,this is what I need.

We held a pretty good conversation last night. Indubitably productive. Everything that held me down in any way,was verbalized, understood and respected. And,in all honesty, dude's can't do shit-you either,respect my mind or it's not for us. So, we hadn't been speaking for almost a week or two..I was into other things,slowly loosening my grasp on the thought of being in a relationship. I think,I've endured as much humiliation that I can handle. They always say,"After humiliation comes elevation", I firmly believe that. I do.

Today was a pretty good day for me,you guys. I woke up this morning,after having brought three years of tumultuous bullshit to an end, feeling refreshed, focused and incredibly light. I began to wonder if it was because I haven't had an appetite in two weeks..of course,I nibble here and there..spending money on fast food,taking two bites and disposing the meal. I haven't had any Red Bulls,I take a shitload of vitamins everyday..[not really a "shitload",it's actually just four; omega,multi,B & E] I woke up at 7am..Tootie and I went for a stroll on our block. Returned home,made coffee,did some straightening up..left out to go for my daily run.

I jogged for an hour..176 crunches..81 push ups. My mom pulls into the driveway,we sit inside have a little breakfast and more DECAF coffee. At about 10am,we decided to go and visit "Big Mama" at the hospital, who,when we arrived-was very coherent,laughing and mimicking my mom. It was a wonderful day. She felt better. Looked better. And,I can see that gleam in her eye. Geezers! I left my mom and grandmother,at the hospital..I headed home,had a bridal consultation at noon..but,on my way to the house to change,I decided to stop at my dad's grave and say "hello". I cried my ass off. I prayed and lifted the unbearable weight off of my shoulders,wiped my face and headed to the meeting feeling much,much better. I must admit.

After the meeting I went over to my friend,Josiah's house..of course,we rolled up and smoked like chimneys do..discussing how I was feeling,discussing how he felt with the guys he's dating..I rejoiced that all that is over. Even the guy I met the other day isn't talking to me. I don't know if it was something I said..or what. At this point,after reaching out..I couldn't care less. But,you know,it's how this "thing" goes. (waves) We went inside-I wish you could see the flooring,the guys he's paying mega bucks to remodel,is putting down. It looks awful.

Absolutely awful. It gives me some kind of..what's that shit called? Um...linoleum tiling. Dreadful. Jo falls asleep on the couch..I sit watching "MILK",then headed home..

As soon as I got home,received a phone call from my sister,asking me to accompany her to an event tonight. I accepted the invite. Wearing exactly what you see on the picture above. Denim vest..white v neck..scarf..Antik jeans..boots..Gucci pouch and my large 54's..I arrived on the set stoned. Ultra stoned. I couldn't make out anything they were saying. I was fucked up. Saw an old friend of the family,Dino from Universal, we sat and chopped it up for about twenty minutes. I wind up getting up,saying my goodbyes and leaving before they cut the cake and sing "happy birthday". I was over it. I really just wanted to be home. I stopped at the magazine stand on Broadway and made it home within twenty minutes.

I don't really have shit to "blog" about.

I'm bored. Stoned. Sitting here on the deck..smoking..

Wrapped up in my mom's handmade blanket from Cozumel.

I'm sleepy..

Good night.

What a day,What a day...

--->Today has been a very difficult day for me. Really,it has..my great-grandmother,who we call "Big Mama" came home from the hospital on yesterday. She experienced a minor heart attack and multiple strokes, on last Monday and now she's back home..and if I may be so blunt,she looks miserable. I wish I knew what she was thinking. She's 90 yrs old,she so used to doing her own thing-now and now everyone wants a say in what he does,what she eats, how she should lay..I was worn out. To the point where,I started to scream at everyone,because everyone wants to help but,noone knows what to do. I went through the same shit with my other great grandmother,you know? So,I think,I know the proper way to do things. I was utterly disgusted with everyone..especially,my drunk ignorant Uncle. Everyone has one of those guys. They want to help but,they're in the way..you know? That sort of thing.

Omg.
My eyes are welling up.
This is going to be strange for me,because she's my diva,you know? She's always praising me for being myself. She saw me the day before the heart attack and told me,"Jerime,I love your hair. It looks really good on you", then, she compliments my nails,"Is that Jerime,bringing the sunshine in here with those nails?" My nails were painted yellow..so,she thought it was comical,but she really loved it. We laughed and smiled. She acknowledges me as "my Handsome",I acknowledge her as "Diva"...

You guys,I know,I'm rambling..she's had a magnificent life. And,I mean magnificent!

It's just difficult for me to see her this way...that's all.
Forgive me.

[sighs & wipes a streaming tear]

I'm at home,now..bored out of my wits..I came home to Tootie pouncing all over the place. Bringing his toys into my lap..as I sit on my hardwood floor,writing a "rough draft" of this blog,in my notebook.. The house empty. Quiet. I rest my head on the footboard of my sleighbed and let the tears fall. Why am I crying? Good question. I'm not entirely sad...I mean,I spent my day laughing most of the time,my great aunt Helen,Mary & my Grandmother were there and when we're all together it's always a joyous time,because Aunt Helen cracks me up..she has me dying laughing all the time! Side splitting and all..she asks me,"J.,have you ever seen me without my teeth?" I laugh and say,"No,why?" She says,"I'm wondering,if that's why you're staring in my face like that!" Hilarious. She's a tough ol' lady..literally.

--->But,anyway..today is one of those days where I would've loved to come home and opened the door to see a BBC wearing somebody seated on the floor playing the X-box or PS2 on our flat screen..I'm acknowledged with a great big grin..he pauses it and walks over to me and kisses me. A passionate "welcome home" kiss. His colorful kicks beside the couch..his cap on the bar in the kitchen. I walk into my bedroom to get comfy and walk back to the living and sit between his legs,as he gets deeper and deeper into this game and I express my anguish..he notices my discomfort and he holds me close,inhaling his Marc Jacobs fragrance alleviates me..

I'm getting carried away with this..
CB.
lol..this shit is getting mad strong.


Signed...
RiRi.

Finally...

This is the new look..






what do you think?

Thoughts of the day..[4/1]

16 more days,before launch! And,boy am I excited!
I'm so anxious,I'd decided not to do my hair until the day before I leave.
It's going to be a challenge,but I think,it would be well worth it.
But,unfortunately,I made an appearance at the salon and felt compelled to have it styled properly. Soooo,I'm seated here under the dryer,at my moms salon..with newly painted shiny black nails and my hair slicked down to my forehead giving that "Little Richie" effect...It's sort of embarrassing being the ultra flamboyant one. Of course,it's kinda like my salon,because I micromanage,I stand on the marketing side mainly,but it's all good,I guess?! Right? Now,if I get a client,that's totally different. So,I'm just going to blog aimlessly...whatever comes to mind,I'll throw it out there. If some vulgarity poops it's way in-interjecting every now and again-understand I deal with a mild case of Touret's..which (please forgive me) I find it very funny..not in a making fun of them sort of way..but,in a "I've only every experienced the comical side of it,up until I sat on the train next to a guy and I,literally,pissed my pants discreetly laughing. But,yea,man..

Yesterday,nothing major happened..besides coming across a really nice guy,who gets "it". "It" being my style,my attitude..you know? Clairvoyance kicks in..feeling a certain way. Dude is mad genuine,very upfront..very straight forward...I can dig it. So,I spent the majority of my day chatting with him on the phone,laughing and comfortably conversing. I had an event at 5 o'clock, got there at 5:45p..super late,I was scheduled,last minute, to sing at a friend's engagement announcement at her church. So I sang."Encourage yourself" and "Memories" by Barbara Streisand..Looking very out of place..in black bubble pant...very fitted jean jacket,I love so much..and a white button down with a dress shoe of course,when the event was over,I tried to scurry quickly to the car,but everyone wanted to talk and yip yap in the vestibule...we stayed an extra hour. We went to a restaurant,but we all decided to leave and go home. We parted ways and I went home and went straight to bed. I returned a few phone calls and fell directly to sleep.

This morning,I wake up and get a call from Comedienne, Sheryl Underwood's team,asking if I'm available to do her make up for Essence Fest. So,that's fantastic,another great detail to insert into the resume`..lol..uhm..so,I head straight to my friend,Josiah's house and we roll up,light up... then we sit and listen to music..watch a movie (What's eating at Gilbert Grape?) Then, we roll up another,lit it up..and another is rolled..and waiting. I'm stoned out of my mind. Josiah aka Josh is sitting next to me,with his toy Chihuahua,"Chico" in his lap KNOCKED OUT! Lol! Hilarious. Feet propped up,dog in his lap,head aaaaaaalllllll the way back..wait,he's waking up...he's waking up...lol! What did I eat to day?Now,I'm having a blueberry bagel with turkey and pepperjack cheese and a glass of cabernet...and I'm sneakily feeding Chico pieces of turkey.

I feel like,one of those school girls who meet a guy and sort of likes the guy and writes in her online diary...because she knows he has access to it...

Start.
Shut Down.

What I'm Becoming..

With everything going on in my life,something always comes in a shifts me,slightly off balance. I was speaking to an old friend,who's a veteran in this fashion industry,he has designed pieces for everyone from Diva La Belle to Lil' Kim. He adds more "enlightening fluid" to this out of control but,very much so controlled fire of mine. This weekend,it was almost like I was in two places at once. I had an hour flight to Houston,for a family's house warming,leave the party at 8 then, hop on a 10:30p flight to Chicago for a final fitting for a client of mine.

We stand at the door awaiting our pick up..by "we",I mean,my bff & partner,B. Causing quite a stir,everyone wants to know who these "fabulous gay guys" are on passerby asks when she asks us to take a picture with her. B. wearing stonewashed Dsquared2 jeans,graphic tee under a black leather jacket,a pair of blue suede Supra's and his brown leather Guccissima tote..and black duffel bag..and eyes ensconced behind black 54's . I standing in a pair of dark blue Trues, large grey tee deep v t-shirt and an oversize Zegna cashmere sweater belted with DVF's studded black belt..and my calf length brown Ugg's and neon yellow 54's on. My hair was "Beatles-esque" and left arm heavy due to the hardware and charms that embellished my wrist.

We snap a few photos for the on-lookers and just like,celeb style,lol,our all black shiny SUV pulls up,two guys (one the groom,the other a super cutie) hops out..greets us..grabs our bags and within a flash we're whisked away to the freeway. We are driven to the Westin hotel on Michigan Avenue. Derron,the groom,hands me the keys to our room. Informs me that he'll be here at 2p tomorrow,he'll call me when he leaves the house. So,we head to the elevators and head to our room. 16Th floor. Wonderful view... We get into our room and settle down..we both took our cell phones out,which haven't been powered on yet..We dread it. I plug my phone to the charger,turn it on and lay down. I get a text from DJ asking if I was going to call him or not..I decided to call. I explain I'd just got in. I call him and keep it very short and brief. Not explaining anything. Holding back all information..my location..my true whereabouts..etc..etc..B.,who has a whole bed to himself,is lying in my bed..eavesdropping..as we watch Step Brother's on Pay Per View..

Anyway,so we get into the movie and I get a text from E.D.,telling me to call him. He was suppose to have arrived on yesterday,but he's arriving tomorrow morning..I designed the dress, he's bringing my illustration to life. Wonderful man. Absolutely wonderful. So,I call him. He answers the call with song,"You make me feel.." Oh,no. I burst into laughter. He tells me,he wants to have a little chit chat with me about my business plan and other little things. We hang up. Watch a little of the movie,then decide to get dressed and go to the bar down the street from our hotel. A nice spot. Name,I can't remember for the life of me. They showed us soo much love. Some lady in a red dress and red heels bought us drinks..we had a ball. We went into the bathroom to do a few lines..little did we know there would be a group of white gay guys doing their own little thing in the corner. Ya! Coke or Cola!?! We met a few cute guys, we carcass amongst the crowd.. being the cute,fly ones with all the attention have been our forte`,since before we met..so,of course,we just lapped it all up.

Until ol' boy began to grope and fondle. The white girl doesn't make me horny. It makes me talkative. It's great for networking..being the center of attention,when need be..you know? So, we make moves with that. I got sick of being man handled..and by the skater boy with the scuffed converse and the hole under his arm..I don't think so. So,we took photos with the group and heading to our room. We get to our room and there's nothing else to do. So,we go back downstairs to the nearest alley way and smoke. Then,go back upstairs and do some junkie shit,lol.

So,we fall asleep..

We wake up due to a knock on the door.."knock knock knock", I don't budge. B.,jumps out of bed and bombards the door. Swings it open,it's E.D. informing me that he's here and that he set lunch reservations for the two of us downstairs. I yell out from bed,"yea,ok..see you at Noon." I fall back into a deep sleep and get up at 11:43a...I remember specifically because De Ray sent me three text msgs in that minute. I got up. Showered and stood amid this room,which now resembled a neglected fitting room..I grab my black super skinnies,my black "love Karl" tee shirt and black leather jacket..slid on a pair of black and white converse in low top..grab my Croc skin bag..slide on my neon yellow frames and head downstairs. E.D. is already seated. Before I even get to the hostess,she knew my name and who I was looking for. She shows me to our table and he looks up at me over his tortoise shell eyeglasses and said,"Immaculate timing. You're soo professional." He begins. Edwing is a phenomenon. He digs into my brain all the time. He's constantly making sure I'm on my toes. And,he says I amaze him every time,but I'm left mind boggled..trying to make sure I'd answered the damn question as efficiently and professionally as possible.

Although,we're good friends,we keep our relationship very business oriented. He's mentoring me and I love it. He begins:

E.D.:"What's the last thing you torn down and re-reconstructed?"

J.D.: What is this? Question and Answer? Oh,my gawd..already? The last thing I demolished and re-reconstructed was my relationship with everyone around me. I do that from time to time to assess friendships. You can't really value something or someone that shouldn't be of value these days,we're going through a recession,for Christ's sake,you know?

E: Great answer. How do you feel right now?

J.: I feel all sorts of things,right now. I'm tired. I'm hungover. I'm anxious.

(long pause)

Honestly,right this second,I feel like a horse with blinders on and you're my jockey guy..guiding me,helping me gain better focus on myself.

E: How do you feel about our relationship?

J.: I value our relationship. We're friends. You're an amazing designer and I feel it's great to have you..like, a liaisons,you know? You teach me so much,I can't help but be grateful. You wear me to shreds sometimes,but I appreciate the challenge.

E.: Good. This time around what will be different?

J: (takes deep breath) It's as if,falling, created little cracks in my armor and revealed humanity beneath. Everyone viewed me as unapproachable,complicated and very put together. When behind closed doors,I'm very approachable,I'm always complicated..and I'm very disheveled and unbelievably fragile. The fragility,of course,is contingent upon what's at stake. What will be different? I'm not entirely sure. I just feel a difference..(pause).. I mean,what is everyone expecting-a detailed,revealing confession from a young guy who's never shown himself to be a bit emotional,detailed or revealing??

E.: Your business plan lacked in some areas,other areas were absolutely amazing. I was pleased with where you're going. How you handle things,is a pleasure to watch. You're always so poised and yes,can appear very unapproachable,but you know,Lagerfeld is that way,he's a Virgo,too you know? How have you changed?

J.: Yes,I know. My plan lapsed because at the time,I'm living in New York,I'm living this "fab" life to the outsiders looking in..I was young and stupid. I'd thrown myself directly in the middle of the Big Apple,just as I'd wanted to do and came out a changed man. I learned soo much from those who surrounded me..I was fascinated by every single person,I met. Man,woman,boy girl.. if you were driven and actually pursuing your dream,you were my hero,you know? I look at it like, I nosedived right in and actually gave myself the opportunity to grow up and do things at my own pace..even if it was on another's expense. You know? I read a lot of Andy Warhol books and his words are powerful..so,powerful it's ridiculous. He taught me how to be a New Yorker. Think as a New Yorker. He's amazing. You know,at one point,in my mind,I did nothing wrong..but,thankfully,I've realized that I am not perfect. In New York,after all, what matters is results. New York is one of a kind. It made me ask all the tough questions. It brought out the absolute fucking best in me. There are still things I have to work on,of course..but,that's the greatest part! (pauses and lets out a sigh) Revealing the truth about yourself always feels soo damn liberating.

E.: In your text to me,yesterday you said you felt like,"Humpty Dumpty"..why is that?

(our food arrives..chicken ravioli..white wine..and Le Dulce cheesecake for me. Salad for him.)

J.: Well,I eradicated soo much of the "old me",I had to ask. What parts do you put back together? Damage control is all about perusing the best of bad options,they say and you most certainly can not put in what God left out. I'm heartbroken. Dealing with it. I'm angry with the world,but I'm dealing with it. When you me,you told me,I possessed great humility and greater austerity. And,I grasped tightly to that. I love that. I feel that's how it's suppose to be. Especially coming into an industry where people will take advantage of you. If they see you can make lots of money,they will certainly take advantage of you. I have a long list of misuser's and abusers, but it's the austerity that keeps me moving and the humility that helps me to-

E.: Forgive or forget?

J.: Ha! I wish I could forgive easier. An honest mistake is something I find easiest to forgive..but, I'd rather seek revenge. Ask Karl..he'll certainly attest to that!

E: How do you deal with what you've gone through with the "users and abusers"?

J.: I put myself in a position to understand that, no matter who has what, the truth will be revealed. That's ultimately the place I want to be in. I have soo much to give. Not material. Nor am I just soo financially blessed that I can just dish,dish..and at one point,I painted pictures like that. Because I wanted to believe that's where I was. But,when I ended up broke,alone and all I had was Darryl Smith aka B.? I was like,'fuck everything and everyone else!' This is absolute bullshit. We've got to do better. If they hate me,good for them. If they love me? Well, that's even better for them..but,I'm so much more observant. And,honestly with my team,I'm harder to get to. Believe me. I'm no longer seeking friendships,approval..blase blah..I'm really just trying to do the best I have with what I've got and that's the absolute best friends,a wonderful family and relationship thats sort of on the rocks but,salvageable. We're deeply in love but,our relationship is very love/hate. But,we make it work..as far as the users and abusers,I have no place for them. I rarely have time for the associations I have and if I do give someone time,that means,they must matter a hell of a lot!

(An hour later,we met up with B.,made it to the fitting/consultation. Had a few drinks with the wedding party and boarded our 6o'clock flight to New Orleans.)

Being home never felt so good.

Headed BACK to Chicago in a few weeks..

Oh,yea! I forgot to mention..

I'm back on tour!

Pray for me!

Suffering Succotash!

The last 24 or 36 hours have been spent lying in bed..in and out of sleep in a bed soaked with sweat. A throat so sore,you would think,it hated me..A headache soo severe,you would think my brain was about to explode. My body aches like I've been working out (which I haven't in a month or so..).

The effin' flu..

Like,now..I'm sitting at the bar,fully clothed..drenched with sweat running down my back,chest,stomach and forehead. Thank God for my immune system fighting for it's right,lol. I'm suffering. You can't imagine my discomfort..last night,the coughing began. The painful..scrunch my face to recover type of cough,you know? My hair looks an absolute mess and what's funny is that I don't give a shit. My nail polish is chipped and peeling..and I don't give a flying shit. I just want to lie in bed and sweat this shit away..and when I'm better,I'll head to the salon and get my shit together,lol. Maybe I'll go later,that may make me feel better..

OK. A lot of these blogs,I write for feedback and since I get hardly any..besides Steve..I'll throw a few things out there..JayLee has been MIA..that's my number one commentator. I love her thoughts and I value her opinion and it's funny,because I haven't known her for very long but,she's talented beyond belief and she sees things other people can't see. So,I need that type of visionary in my circle.

-It's soo amazing how I speak things into existence. I have perfect timing. I don't know,if it's an anointing or what..because I feel sometimes like,I'm a psychic..lol..or even capable of prophesying..After that brutal break up speech..that "I'm letting it go" speech,I get a phone call from DJ on last night. He opens with an improper salutation "what up,I know you're mad at me,so just say what you have to say.." With this voice of a child, trying to remain in my good graces. I explained that I wasn't mad. And,that I had nothing to say. I'm currently under the weather,I'm not going to argue nor will I stress myself out,only making my situation worse. I gave him his opportunity to explain and it was sort of a foolish act. And,normally,I wouldn't forgive him..I forgave him. Not because I'm naive. I can't stress enough,how I lack the time to continue the bullshit. You're a grown man, my nigga. That's how I see it..so,to be with me you should endure all drastic measures,just as I would do in order to get to you. Often times,I see that he doesn't need me the way I feel I need him. It's difficult to digest but,you know..it's what happens. He's a man. He doesn't get into that "mode" very easily..although,it is rather easy for him to show his vulnerable side with tears. Awkward,yes..I know.

But,last night,something in me changed. I sat on the phone calm..not forced. Humbled. Straightforward. Expressing everything on my chest..things,I've reiterated time and time again. Of course,I know when you've done wrong and you were caught,you don't want to continuously be reminded..so,I just said my "peace" and called it an evening. I brought the conversation to a close. And,slept peacefully.

I was able to sleep past 4:33a..I was even able to sleep past 7a..which I'm not always so fortunate to do.
I woke up this morning with a minor situation with my mother,but I paid it no mind. As I said,I don't feel well and I can't afford to make my body feel worst with confrontations and screaming. It's time for all that shit to cease.

Let's just hope,I feel better..I went out and spent 40 dollars on gatorade..ibuprofen..water (that I'll drink room temp)..sea salt to gargle...theraflu..ice packs and magazines..since I'm gonna be in bed for a minute, I may as well entertain myself,right? (lol)

Wish me luck.
Gonna take a nap.

3.23.09

Things are hard right now.

I say things are hard because I'm standing at a fork in the road. Questioning my motives & thoughts. Trying to figure out what's the best move for me to make. Do I jump up and head back to New York or do I stay here,enroll in school and get my life in order? Of course,there is the situation with DJ,where I'm questioning if I should follow through with this so called invitation for the relationship to work,but I'm feeling some sort of way about it. He says he doesn't want to live without me and yet,I haven't heard from him in four days...(sigh)

->Verbally,I can't really express the angst and the burden upon my heart,right now. You can see it. You may even feel it. I just walked pass the laundry where I overheard my mother loading clothes in the dryer,talking about my little brother. Crying. There is no other hurtful feeling than the feeling you get when you hear your mother or see your mother crying. It's crazy. We haven't heard from my little brother in a few days..and it's been sort of heavy on her. It's been heavy on me,too of course because I want to know he's "ok"..he's become a man and has ventured off into the world of the "street life"..of course,it's scary. We need to be concerned.

I'm stuck in this uncomfortably gruesome mood,because yesterday I made a reappearance on the scene. I saw the two faced bitches I'd once modified as friends. I spoke. Dished out a few hugs. I was respectful and cute. Hair blown all over my head,from the horrid winds,but you know, seeing the look on their faces did more for me than me seeking revenge. Oh,yes. I'm still alive & well. I'm still fly as hell. And,I'm getting thicker than a snicker. I don't have much to think about when it comes to these niggas..honestly. I was heartbroken,that they weren't true, but I'd rather be a lonesome son of a bitch than to be around two faced bitches. That smile in your face shit. That talk behind your back shit..I can do without. I spoke and didn't think twice. Maybe I didn't react because I was on a vicodin (2 tablets). Feeling quite comfortable in these streets that were filled,as if, it were Mardi Gras..knowing,I have anxiety issues. Unbelievably comfortable. I just didn't feel the need to go crazy,be catty. I know you despise me. I've heard about the rumors you spread. But,you know,life is all about moving forward and progressing..so,hold on? Grudge? No ma'am. How about laugh?!

So,I was stoned out and now I'm suffering the consequences of being "stoned". I'm not in the best mood. I'm ultra tired. Have suppressed thoughts. Couldn't even enjoy having lunch with my sister,Charlet. She wanted to have a little chit chat. I wasn't enthused,let alone up for it. We went to Reginelli's a little Italian joint on Magazine St.,she dressed to impress (she said,"I wanted to impress you.") In a black leather mini from "the Row",an Alexander Wang tank under a jean jacket and a pair of sky high white ankle boots with a cute little clutch. Nice. I wore brown plaid harem pants,white V-neck tee shirt under a dark blue jean jacket..eyes ensconced in large black frames..of course,I wore my black alligator tote..filled with all the April issues of Harper's Bazaar,Vogue,GQ,Details,Paper,Zink,Elle, and OUT. We spoke about different things her relationship is going down the rocks,my so called relationship is pretty stagnant at this point.. I haven't spoken to him in what? Almost a week,now. So,I'm pretty much over the bullshit. We do a lot of crazy things in love. But,this is coming to a close. Again.

So,we basically discussed everything on our minds. Over delicious pizza and a Chardonnay. We laugh when I mention,we should hold a funeral for our broken hearts and have a "we're single again" party. She concurs. It gets quiet after a few minutes. I'm staring off into the street watching people walk up and down the sidewalk..thinking of nothing in particular,just thinking..
She breaks the silence..

"You know,I know, you love this boy. He hasn't shown or proven anything since you guys have been back together. So,if he feels he's tired of proving himself. Let him go. Because if he wants to be with you,he wouldn't grow tired..he would continue to do it. Over and over and over until everything between you two is worked out. I'm your sister. I don't want you to go through the same bullshit he brought you through 3 years ago. It's time for change. And,he hasn't called you in a week? Fuck Don."

I sit in silence. Staring at her from behind my glasses. I take a sip. Prepare to speak. Takes another sip. I smile. Because I have gone through soo much with this dude and although you send me flowers and a phone call every now and again doesn't necessarily mean you've proven that you're ready. I'm the type of bitch that goes off of actions. Not words. Many people can say shit. Doesn't necessarily mean they mean it. I'm okay without him being in my life. I swear I am. Of course,I don't want it to be that way,you know? But,I'm okay without you. The worrying. The concerns. The bullshit. I don't possess the toleration for it. I imagine things with us will smooth out in the future. I imagined that we'll become "one" and become an example for the younger generations to come. Yes,he's a gorgeous man..with awful habits. He's a driven man. He's determined and that's what I love about him,but I'm no sideline bitch. And,all the groupie niggers you got going..when I came BACK into the picture,that shit should have come to a screeching halt. What do I do? I remember when he fell in love with me. I remember when things were soo great between us. And,I remember when he broke my heart. And,I haven't healed since. How can I get back into a relationship with the man that broke my heart and I'm obviously still wounded?

Last night,I was on the phone with a friend,D-Ray and he asks me,"Why don't you talk about your exes? Why don't you ever speak about them?" I answer abruptly,"Why do I have to mention them? Apparently,they're "exes" for a reason." He is 6'1..gorgeous personality..very slim (with the nicest butt,lol)..He's the sweetest person,I've come across in a very long time. The other night he texts me saying,"I wanna c u. I get off at 3am." I replied by saying,"When do you wanna see me then?" He answered,"3:01" The most darling thing. He's adorable. And,most importantly,he stands in admiration when he sees me. Always smiling when we're talking. He makes me laugh. And,we're just friends..of course,there's an attraction,but he's just getting out of a relationship,some months ago..I'm going through this crazy bullshit with DJ and Ja..it's crazy..but,it's SO very comforting to have someone to talk to and and pull me close when I get quiet and ask,"whats on your mind like that?" You know?

Idk..

Life.
They say life is what we make it.
Am I really making it harder than it should be?

Are you there vodka?
It's me,J.

3.22.09

It's been a whole week since,I've heard from him. And,would you like to know something funny? I haven't tried to call nor I have been angry. Of course,it's comical to me that he says he wants to be with me, when it's obvious he has other things on his mind. I have a lot on my mind,too. Just so you know,we're "good".

Our communication isn't that great. I'm still wounded. You're sick of me. It's obvious. You're thinking,what I'm thinking? Are we meant to just be distant friends? Never. I couldn't possibly be your friend. I love you way to much. It's hard to understand-but,that may be our destiny. I try very hard to let go..but,the pain was and some how still is soo excruciating,dude..you don't understand. I'm stuck. Everyone asks "why". Everyone scrunches their faces at the mention of your name..and I,the "dumb and in love",foolishly couldn't care less.

Talking to my sister,made me realize so much. Her story much like our story..and I fear the end is near. If it hasn't already reared it's ugly head. No more JD & DJ. No more late night pillow talk? No love making? Ever?

This vicodin is kicking in..I popped 2.

[3.19.09]

[scratches head]

I have a lot of things to talk about this morning..so,I'll jump right to it.

OK,last night,I attended a conference dubbed the "Faith Conference" and as a lot of you readers may have read, I'd sort of fallen off of the "gospel singing bandwagon". I stumbled across some knowledge,in which I've applied. I'm not a weak being,easily influenced..manipulated..or whatever. Of course,we've all had our dumb moments-excuse me-our naive moments in love..we've all had situations where "beef" (an altercation/confrontation) had been broiled by an unofficial cook and we took it a step further than necessary..but,of course,IN THE END we gain clarification. Well,the book I read was an amazing one. Something I would discuss forever.

But,last night!

Last night was the meat sauce that popped the string of linguine..(wait,what? lmao)

--Well,you know,I'm a ditz..nerd..cornball..so,things just pop up out of nowhere!

Ok. On with it.

Last night,I attended this conference. Apprehensive,of course..dressed shabbily,if I may add. An over sized button down..a pair of jeans and a baseball cap to top it off (literally). So,I sat down..as the choir sang..horribly. For the first time in two years,I socialized at church. Well,besides the usual people complimenting my wardrobe..my hair..asking about my rates. Other than the pastor and first lady,I have no reason to really socialize with the congregation. I'm super weird about that whole "church folk" thing..you know,smiling in your face..gossiping behind your back..yeah..that thing. Actress,Tasha Smith actually spoke to me about being delivered from people.. So,I appreciate the friendship we share.

Well,the speaker was Pastor Steve O. Allen..wonderful guy from La Place. He spoke on "Expectations & Fear".

To summarize:

Speak everything you want into existence. Expect great things and eliminate the spirit of fear.

Honestly,I find myself fearful a lot of the time. I mean,don't get me wrong,I'm not a lion,although I come off as one..I'm more of a wise Antelope..that's dating the Lion,lol..if you catch my drift. Any how,we started in Isaiah- No weapon formed against me shall prosper.. He goes on to say,"It takes spiritual power to fight a spiritual enemy"..which is profoundly true. He also goes on to say how we have more faith in the enemy than we do in our God. Meaning God said he's to give me life more abundantly,did he not? And, the enemy comes to steal,kill and destroy. That hit it dead on the nose. Because in this time in my life,where I'm trusting God to open these amazing doors for me,I'm standing in fear. Thinking it won't and it can't happen..and maybe that's why I haven't been too successful with finding backers and getting great deals on property..or maybe it's just the economy..(sigh). But,I know everything is going to get better. Just as I knew,Barack would be our president. Everyone spoke about how they never thought it would happen..I always knew it would happen.. you know? So,I guess,in the back of my mind there is some faith..but,I must exude faith in all I do & say.

So,after all the first night was brought to close,Pastor did his alter call..I,of course had soo much stuff on my heart,I felt compelled to walk up to him and get it straight. He prayed for me. We went to the back and Steve and Pastor both spoke with me about what was on my heart. I expressed that I've been ridiculously depressed. Hiding it by wearing flashy clothes and the attitude,how I dread waking up in the morning being in New Orleans,not having any work..being creatively drained..having depleted funds by taking care of business for my family..(I sort of feel like,Qwanell from Day26) I've no true friends...

Steve interrupts by saying," Faith is the substance of things hoped for,the evidence of things not seen. So,Lil' brother,you have to believe that thing will change for you. Repeat after me,say 'I believe God'." Of course,I repeat it..and I was hesitant at first,because I didn't want to say it,just because he told me to..I wanted to say and actually mean it. And,I really do believe it. I grew up in religion. My uncle is Bishop Brister,my dad was a pastor for some time..my mom, a firm believer. Why I strayed away,I don't know. But,I stepped out on faith yesterday,with the belief that things will change if I do this. Thus far..I'm not depressed..a little upset because I need to get my hair done,but other than that..I'm good. Really good. Steve continues," Be not afraid,only believe. Don't worry about work. Delay is not denial. As far as,you losing friends..Man! You're an Eagle. I can tell. And,eagles don't fly with little birds." Then,Pastor jumps in,"You know,J..I didn't quit stuff. Stuff quit me. They stopped answering and returning your calls? They stopped speaking to you? You arrive at parties and they don't parlay with you? That the sign that you've shifted. You've taken it to another level. You have to be careful who you associate with and walk with. You can't walk in faith,hanging around "doubty",fearful folk."

It's soo amazing how they hit it directly on the nose. I almost cried. But,it's been some time,since I actually sought the word of God. And,felt the delivery. I'm at a point in my life,where I don't want to be around stagnant beings. Stagnancy worries me..and being here,I'm certainly surrounded by just that. If I were to list names,I guarantee you'll find every one of those noted here in the city..doing the same stuff they were doing years ago. And,that disgusts me. I don't even party. Unless,it's at some one's house. I don't want to talk to anyone,because I may rub them the wrong way..I couldn't careless how someone feels about me,but in the end..I long to be understood.

Yes,they did stop speaking to me.

Yes,they did stop returning my calls..answering my calls..but,with the loss of every associate and fake friend, I gained something that elongates and strengthens my resume. So,I don't worry about things like that. But,it's hard being in my shoes (let's not forget,I don't buy shoes to walk in..I buy shoes to look cute).So,that's really hard,lol. I needed to be encouraged. I needed to be reminded that although I walked away,God didn't leave my side. He's always been there. He's the same yesterday,today and everyday! Rectification. Thank you. I needed to be encouraged and step out on faith believing that this relationship with DJ and I will work this time..I needed to believe that my business will succeed. I needed to trust that I will be out of debt and all my needs will be met. Most of all,I needed to be reassured the day will come when I'll lend, not borrow.It's hard to believe,yes..Easier to doubt. But,you know,great things come to those who fully understand his word.

And,I thoroughly understand. And,I'm incredibly thankful.

It's good to be back.

I've been sad. Indubitably suppressed..depressed...opressed..et cetera..et cetera. You have no idea. It was to the point where it took over my body. I was literally sick and tired of being sick and tired! I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I slept for three days straight.

--Still have a lot on my mind..but,I'm good. Trust me..I'm better.

I've been talked about by folk,I thought were true friends and folk that didn't know anything other than my first name.. I've been talked about, by family members, hell-I was jumped by family and thrown out on the street. Thank God,I'd made an association with someone that truly cared for me.

From now on,I'm encouraged to make nothing other than avid decisions.Especially, to stay in his graces. And,not pay any attention to the failures in my life. I'll focus on the successes achieved and the ones in the near future! (wink,wink)

"Ever tried,ever failed,no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

-Samuel Beckett

3.11.09

Today,wore me out..

I had a pretty busy day. Had a shopping emergency-which tore me to shreds. A client/friend of mine who's fiance` is a New Orleans rapper had an event to attend so,of course,she called on me to create a look. Of course,I delivered. The thing I love about me is that I always deliver. Regardless of the fact that I woke up at 1am this morning,because I thought I heard a fucking mouse in my room scurrying across my hardwood floor and I couldn't go back to sleep.

She called me at 7am..since she had an early hair appointment,I got up to get dressed..sliding on ultra slim blue jeans (which fit like,leggings)..over sized graphic tee and this black structured jacket..a Dolce sneaker and made my way to her condo. I arrived with make up kits and sketches in hand..toting my always large,always heavy carry all..over sized Gucci frames concealing my bloodshot tired, red eyes..words can't express. I sat on the couch in the living room..and fell comfortably to sleep for an hour or two.

We hit the shops at about 10am..after watching Cadillac Records and Role Model (super,duper funny!) We shopped for probably 6hours..finding 4 looks total..

white v-neck\black dhoti pants\python ankle strap platform shoes\denim vest\5 strand gold necklace..gold Armani watch

black dress with printed ruffle detail along the hem\black leather belt with large gold buckle detail to cinch waist\white platform sandal with ankle strap\black leather bomber\diamond pendant



ivory pajama-esque trouser\purple and green python pump\multicolored graphic tee under black Gucci bomber\jewel accordingly



acid wash jeans\white Victorian blouse\black satin vest\leopard Louboutin pump

We head to the salon. She gets hair & make up done (late)..Check in hand.
She's off.


I'm worn out..I swear,I'm worn out.

I come home to a house filled with family. My 4 little cousins,I call them my "little geniuses" (all boys) run to me. Hugs..high fives..low "dap"..they are the highlights of my day.

I lie in bed for a moment and get a call from DJ..and he's informing he's found an place in Jersey City. I,of course,don't want to live in Jersey City..I'm a city boy. I love the city. I don't love living on the outskirts..there is nothing in that area for me. I don't even feel safe when I'm outside of New York...You know? I don't know,it may be a good thing for us. To come home from the chaos and yipe and hype of the city to a quiet neighborhood..Idk..we'll see. So,we've agreed to live together. Make it work the best way we know how. By being together and loving one another. Serving one another...but,most importantly,loving one another the best way we know how. And,I ask,"Are you ready for this?" He answers my question with a question,"Are YOU ready for this?" Of course,I think I am..but,I'm soo afraid of making this house a home and it being broken. Of course,there will be mad temptations..mad situations where we'll fuss and argue,but I'm more than sure it'll be outweighed by the love and affection..the passionate conversations we bring forefront. I know,we can make it work.

So,with that, I was driven me to my "secret place". Deeply contemplating. Anticipating. Excited and nervous at the same time. You can say,I'm a tad apprehensive,truthfully. We've encountered some trials and major hardships in our relationship in the past. But,he's putting forth the effort to prove he's a changed man and he wants to be with me and only me..shit, he's the only one that can handle my treacherous mood swings..that attitude.that bitchiness,he's amused by it,lol..why I don't know,but he loves all that good shit,you know?

He's the only guy I've been with that I have shared every secret with. I've told him things,I would NEVER tell anyone else. And,he loves me still. Everyone doesn't have that. And,I find it awkward that I've watched movies and have been to weddings andhave friends tell me,"I'm marrying my best friend". I would stand in awe,like,"Aw...I want that." But,I've always had it. Hadn't realized it,until now. And,you guys,I love him. I'm no fool. I'm one of the most headstrong motherfuckers you would ever meet and when I say something I mean it..I've told soo many niggas,I'm done..it's over..I'm through..et cetera..et cetera and they wouldn't ever come back..he continues to pursue me,striving to obtain the love we've always dreamed of. And,most of all,he wants me.

Not like,some of these cliche ass relationships most of these kats go into blindly. He wants all of me. Not just so we can have sex and not return my call or break up with me the next day..it's crazy. He wants to make me happy and what's funny,is that I don't even know how to make me happy..besides buying shit. Investing in my wardrobe is what makes me happy. And,I'm speaking of myself..but,to have a man who's intrigued by my style,attitude-let alone,everything about me,invest in my wardrobe..that speaks volumes. But,I don't look to him for that.I'm still here. Hopelessly,in love with him. Loving everything about him and more. How over protective he is of his sisters & mom. How over protective he is of me (rolls eyes). How jealous hearted he is. How his laugh makes me smile and most of all,I love that when I'm smiling,his day is made. So,I went home and prayed on the topic. Asking that I be led in the direction that is most best for he and I.

And,this morning..it was on my mind..Love him beyond his means.

His 6'3 stature. His large clothing. I can't wait to sleep in them..fresh off his back. I can't wait to clunk around in his sneakers...cook him breakfast and dinner in his tee shirt..taste his morning and late night kiss...and actually make love in a house that we're making a home..

Humph! (scratches chin scruff and smiles gleefully)

Maybe my single life is being brought to a close...
And,God knows,I'm ready to be rescued from this dreadful,boring but,ultimately fabulous ritual of dating .
I'm ready to settle down.

P/S

You know,we're gonna need a dog..

"Chopped & Screwed"

-Can I share with you a secret?
Wait..before I tell you,promise me you won't tell anyone.

I have a crush on..
I'm experiencing..
I don't like him/her..

So many things bombard my mental. We're friends,right?
May I share with you,my views of infidelity between "friends"?
Are we even friends,if I can't trust you?

I think,we're more like,KiKi girlfriends..homeboys..associates..colleagues..business associates..smoking buddies..et cetera..et cetera..

I have come across a number of people in my lifetime. Those who leech themselves onto me expecting to suck something, if not everything, out of me. We hang out. We wine & dine. We party. We may even do a recreational drug,every now and again..I share secrets since,we've built a relationship on fun & fashion, now is the time to get serious. It's lovely that I haven't found anyone that I can trust fully. We share stories. I trust you enough to let you in. Personally,I'm very private when it comes down to my personal life. Who I'm dating..who I'm interested in..who I get intimate with,no one gets that close to know any of these things. Unless,of course,you're Darryl or Josh,my two closest friends. Of course,I have other friends who I share certain things with but,never everything.

I met someone in 2007,who came in contact with one of their old colleagues..she confides in him with a deep secret..but,before she tells him,she goes,"Don't tell anyone,though..please?" So,we have dinner later that night..at the dinner table,he blurts out her secret. I was repulsed. I feel like,this,I want you to be the friend to me,that I am to you. I'm trustworthy. Don't worry..I'm a secret safe..diary..whatever. I'm loyal to you..as long as you're loyal to me. Case & point.

I don't know what to think anymore.
Do I want to become one of those people with social anxiety? Afraid to go out and meet new folk,carcass and build relationships? I don't,but truthfully..I'm on my way. I just feel all this "infidelity within friendship" is soo juvenile. We're adults. We should carry on,as such. I was friends with Jalon since we were 6 years old..he hears a rumor about me,he runs off with it. Leaving me in the dark,unaware and heartbroken. CHOP. Gregory (the pathological liar) and I had been friends since high school. The only person that had my back..or so I thought. He left me high and dry many times..I still had his back and remained true. Dude spread rumors and personal business of mine. I never thought it would get to that. CHOP. Chris pulled me through during a tough time,only to try and slander my reputation. Steal my characteristics and actually attempted to BE me! Who does that? I shared some things with him. He ran off by the mouth and what? CHOP!
I could go on and on and on and on. But,I'm not Erykah Badu..so,I'll pass.

Who knew? I would stand here "true friend-less",but associate bound? Unable to trust anyone for that matter.
Broken hearted. And,bitter as fuck,truthfully speaking.

At this point in my life,I don't seek friendships. I don't expect much from people. I feed them with a "long handle" spoon. It's only fair. I still hold many of these people's secrets to this day. Should I expose them? I think,I should..but,I couldn't possibly bring myself to doing things like that.

What do we do in these predicaments?
I often hear,"pray for them" or "they'll get what's coming to them"..I suppose they will reap what they sow.
But,while I suffer from slanderous and betrayal..they are off living these lavish lives.
How could this be?

Friends.
How many of us have them?
Obviously,I don't..

Gravity..

When it's just you and I..
I find that you get me soo high.
Your will I shall comply..
You make me feel soo damn good.

Staring into nowhere.
Thinking, particularly of nothing.
Entranced..emotions enhanced..
I love how you make me feel.


I take it to my lips..
Suck on it..Come up..
Suck on it..Come up..
Inhale.
Damn..
You leave my lips,my vision blurs..
I concur..with life..

I love the taste you leave on my lips..
I miss you,everytime you're not around.
This time has replaced all the rest..
You feel me? I feel you..

Warmth..internal,external..
I release.
Eyes water..
[subconscious thinking..]

Dreaming.
Relaxed.
Soothed.

Puff.

And,then I come down..

Heartless.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart.

Warning: The beauty photographed, the personality that shines through conversation stops there..

Yesterday,my mom and I decided to have lunch since she had a day off. So,we get up, get dressed and head out..since this is a "relaxing" day,I decide to wear my Marc Jacobs wide leg jean,graphic tee which says, "Incompatible", and (my most recent splurge) a brown tarnish leather blazer/jacket. My mother comes in somewhat similar attire..dark blue wide leg jeans,frilly blouse and that great blue Chanel-esque jacket, J. Crew did.. We grab a bite at New Orleans Food & Spirit, since I have been ranting about this craving for their wonderful corn chowder and creole crawfish rolls (talk about delish)!! Anyway,we sit down and have our mother-to-son chit chat-laughing, sharing foods & drinking white wine recalling our Mardi Gras day-although we were together yesterday,we had to share our encounters-when out of nowhere, cold as a bullet she shot that discerning look-the look she always gives when we're about to have a "heart to heart". So,with a forced smile (small in degree),she says:

" I notice great change in you,J. I just wanna say, I'm so proud of you."

I had no response,because it's not very often when you're praised for change.

Often times,we're reminded,incessantly-of our past shortcomings and NO acknowledgement of growth.

She goes," I watch as you go through these "trying" situations" and I get a kick of you bounce back stronger each time. You don't sweat the small shit..You're more protective. Guarded. Intuitive..You are certainly my child. Let nothing corrupt you. You always make the right decisions when you follow your heart. And,it's hard sometimes,but I'm coming to terms with you becoming a man and a very strong,powerful man,at that! But,your hate is soo strong,it beams,J. Oh my god! Why is that?"

We burst into a boisterous laughter. Ok,Ok..My mom is my best friend. The only person,I would consider a "friend 'til the end". The only person who isn't necessarily obligated to have my back,but does. She catches me time after time when I fall short and I'm so grateful to have her as a mother, as a friend, as a confidante. Not everyone has this. And,we pride ourselves on the relationship we share.

She has never made me feel,that I should be anything other than what I am and what I long to be. Her rules of life: "Speak your mind. Be respectful and Be yourself". And,I've applied that fully..

I live by these rules,irrefutably.

The "situation" she's referring to is the break up,I went through..the coming in & jumping out of the consideration of rekindling a flame that wasn't meant to be lit. The loss of friendships and the realization that I can't depend on mere mortals,lol. Don't get me wrong,I'm not modifying myself as "god" nor better than the next..but,often times,we're promised things by friends and get our hopes up ONLY to be let down. And, I was bothered profusely. Had an amazing job offer. Lost it. Had great shoots lined up. Lost them. It's a hurtful feeling,especially when I felt my intuition telling me "yeah,right", I get excited only to be disappointed...but, I don't sweat the tiny shit nor blame anyone for my shortcomings. Everyone around is Human. And, they're liable to make mistakes and fall short..so,why do I find myself bothered so badly by things?

Because I'm spoiled..

I am the only person who can make transitions in my life,clearly. One morning,I stood on the Hudson River pier,praying that I would be relieved of the shackles that held me bound- shackled to the concerns of the thoughts of people. I wanted to stop caring what everyone else thought. I wanted to stop worrying. I wanted to NOT seek approval. Gradually,you guys, I can say I am being extricated. I long for nothing but,completion. I realize that I am as close to perfection as I would ever get and I'm comfortable with being imperfect and I explain this to my mom. Of course,she understands. She's been the underdog ..coming out of an aweful relationship, having raised two wonderful headstrong children..losing herself,because REAL mothers lose themselves while raising her children. And,she's a lionness..making sure J&A were better than "okay". Child #1, found his niche and is hopping forward to fulfill his dreams..the other still seeking aimlessly but,no less strengthened..(we're both Virgo's).

I explain the role my father played in my life,corrupted me. I longed for nothing more than his approval & acceptance. For him to deny me as an infant. Promise something and never ever deliver..me inheriting his stupid unforgiving ways..I hate him. He started the shit. My mother met another man,he raised me. That's who I modify as my daddy. His passing on my 9th birthday, really fucked me up. Next father figure? Hmm..I'd gotten really close to my uncle..he passed in '98..so,at 13,I realized that I couldn't love any man in my life. I was afraid to get close to them. I was afraid to be vulnerable and permit entry,because I knew that I would be disappointed in the end. She asks "Why is that?" There's her answer.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I tell my mom:

"Mom,I know,you know this already but..every guy I've ever come to care about has disappointed me in one way or the other. Yes,I'm unforgiving,at times..I hold too strongly,obliviously..Yes,I feel revenge is greater than forgiveness. I was told "Never let your past override your future". I don't. I don't trust easily. Of course,because I've learned hearts break so easily..and it seems my heart hasn't healed from the first time it was broken."

She cuts me off,"But,babe..how can you expect to give your heart to the good guy that comes along?"

My answer?

"Mom, I lost my heart along time ago and gained some balls.."

I sat back..waiting..

Deeply anticipating..

The opportunity to apologize.

Instead I sat back..waiting..

Angrily contemplating..

The plan of your demise.

I'm literally sick of it..

You sick of me..I sick of you..

And,we haven't begun this thing called "a relationship"

But,with the way things are going..and how they've been.

I doubt if we can ever get on with it.



You tell me one thing. I think another..

Bitches in my position think like that.

You say "My bad"..I snicker in disgust..

That you would dare respond like that..

And,yet..

I call you to touch base..a movie blast in the background..
You say,you're with your "cousin"..

Of course,I don't believe you..you say she's your favorite..

I bring the convo to a close,before I start fussin' & cussin..


I don't think,I can do this.

I warm up to you. Trust rears it's head..
I disappear..

Great questions need equivalent answers..

DOES LOVE AND TRUST GO HAND IN HAND OR PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER?

I've asked a total of 30 people and all of them responded with the same answer,they say "Play against". Which is interesting because in order to have a solid relationship you need to have trust and to have a lasting relationship you need to love the other,do you not? It's pretty difficult,isn't it?. Imbalanced. Hard to understand. Someone says,"you can love someone,but may not trust them due to your level of insecurity". Some go into an area I'm familiar with-You may love someone, often times something is done to eradicate trust along with it's chances of being regained. Truth,at it's core.

My friend,Du Jon says, "One needs the other,I can't have a boyfriend,I can't trust. Think of it,J. I need to trust you to tell you my deepest,darkest passion or vices. I must love you to be comfortable with you for you to see me vulnerable. I love this topic!" I truly agree with him only because of what I've been taught a relationship is suppose to based on. Honesty & Trust, first. Passion & Love. We often find ourselves in situations where we want to trust the other, but find it impossible when,in order to maintain a healthy relationship we NEED to trust the other. I've been asked time and time again by DJ,"How can you love me,if you say you don't trust me?" It's hard to explain. I know..trust me. And,if you're currently dealing with a situation as such,I understand where you are emotionally & mentally. Emotionally paralyzed. Mentally strapped. I know,where you're going. If you're anything like,me..I know,how long it'll take you to obtain the level of trust you need and desire. I'm still taking what they call "baby steps"..it's been 3 yrs.

Another response from Steve:
"They play against one another because the more you love someone the more jealous you become. Most of the time,it's not your partner..it's you." Agree? Disagree? I don't know. I had sometime to think on this..at first,I agreed..then,after discussing it with DuJon,he reminded me that love is not jealous..so,what do we do,now?

-- As I said before,I'm currently dealing with this sort of thing. While with DJ, I've been lied to. Cheated on. Lied to some more. Which of course,led me to drink from the the "distrusting river" guiding me further & deeper to lie to him as a way to get revenge. Lying for NO reason. Only because I felt the need to do unto him, as he'd done unto me. It was beautiful. Revenge is one of my "best-est" friends! If you haven't met her,it's a must!

Any who, I feel when two people are in love,they aren't necessarily to be inseparable-though that may be one's desire. I want my guy to think of me constantly. Desire me,profusely. Be super affectionate,but not to where I'm being suffocated. I want civility in my romantic life,but of course,I need him to want the same. It's seemingly hard to find especially in the gay community. Men aren't viewed as monogamous or in touch with their emotions. Which create imaginary margins. For example,when two immature insecure beings come together and try to form a union trust becomes an issue. Jealousy becomes an issue. Love becomes an even bigger issue-"you don't love me,as much as I love you"..or "you don't need me as much as I need you". A saying I know all too well.. We've all encountered these trying times,but what can we do to resolve the issues we face? How do we trust "easier"? Love less hard? Or better yet, how do we bring these two to a level where there's a mutual understanding and respect for one an other's wishes and expectations? Idk..

How do we make it work?

No one knows.
But,who will put in the damn work to find out?

Recap of Friday unto Today..

As some of you may know,Mardi Gras here in New Orleans is one of the most important times of the year. So, this leading up to prom season keeps me pretty busy. This past weekend has been pretty interesting. On Friday,I had a hair appointment,which turned me into this crazed rock star. It's wonderful. I'll post a pic sooner than later for your viewing pleasure,lol. But,uh..let's see..ok,so Friday,like I said,I had a hair appointment,it's very haute (hot) words can't express..had to shop for a client who had a concert to attend..(lucky me)..I grabbed a tulip skirt in this really nice blue shade..we paired it with a beige studded tank from a local boutique and a pair of purple,black and grey Prada-esque platform and capped the look with a black leather jacket. To balance the hard/soft. Pretty nice. I must say.

She looked phenomenal.

Um,I went home and rested to anticipate the "Lover's Holiday"

-the one holiday I dread most of the year.

So, Saturday,my mom woke up about 9am,with a cute card and a box of Godiva white chocolate covered strawberries,which she'd dug into..

(it was suppose to be a dozen,let's just say when I got to it I had half of a dozen..)

She bribed me with sentiments and treats because she needed my help in her "big closet",as she calls it. (Remember the room that she turned into a closet? Yea..that one..) She wanted me to help RE-organize it. Mind you my mom has a shit load of clothing..it's not funny. By the end of the day,there was furniture delivered (from her beau), three totes of purses, four totes of shoes..and two EXTRA racks added to the walls for some other shit..and mind you this isn't including the clothing that's already hung upon the racks or the shoes that are on the shelves. I'm not complaining,of course..because that's her thing..my closet is filled to CAPACITY. I literally have to fight with my clothes to either put something in or take something out

(no exaggeration)

It's inevitable.

(sigh)

Anyway,so once we complete that task..we head out to have lunch and before we embark upon this shopping excursion. We grabbed a bite at this restaurant called "Dress It"..it's a burger joint. Really cute atmosphere. There's wonderful music playing and there are figures drawn on the windows flying with garments to dress the naked figures. It was nice.I had to run around the city pulling dresses for 4 clients for the Zulu ball on this Friday..I'd say,I was lucky enough to get about 12 dresses..different shapes,different sizes..shoes..hair pieces and a scarce selection of jewelry..I can't really pull SERIOUS jewels..they'll have to get those on their own..After we concluded the excursion,we headed to my dad's grave stayed there for a few and headed back to the house. We get to the house about 3p..as soon as we get settled in the house the doorbell rings,it's UPS. We rush to the door. I'd already been expecting something,so I knew it was for me. I get to the door and there are two large boxes for me. Both bouquets..One from DJ..I,of course, open his first. To my surprise,they're my favorite flowers Tulips. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I couldn't stop smiling. The second box was a box of Peruvian Lillie's & six red roses from JB. Which I found it shocking that he would even think of me on Valentines day,after our little spat last year. So,I contacted them both and thanked them for the beautiful flowers. One meant more than the other..which? I dare not tell. (lol) So,after all of that,I talked on the phone a bit and watched television until about 10p,my mother had a function to attend,so we headed out.

Sunday morning was the most interesting of them all. We woke up to go to church..which drove me insane. I'm really not into church like I use to be. It's too much like an organized cult..and I can't tolerate it,anymore.

Anyway,so..we attend the earliest service..as usual..8am..after service we mingle a bit and head to Sharon's place (Sharon is a client/church member) in Eastern New Orleans. Once we arrive,I immediately start to layout the pieces I'd pulled for the clients. It's only 5 of them, but you have to have choices..do you not?

Arriving one by one..some two & three..we started trying on the dresses and polaroid them..There were so many "oohs and ahas",I don't remember which one picked which,lol. So,we came to wonderful agreements and the dressing went beautifully. Of course,we faced some issues with the face charts,I'd created but,other than that..everything went smoothly. So,we left Sharon's to head back home to change for a party our church was throwing in honor of the new location being completed. So,we attend..I,of course,felt uncomfortable..I wore wide legged Citizens..a plaid shirt..khaki safari jacket..brown shoe..skinny belt to cinch my already tiny 26 inch waist..(jeez)..So,I had a ball. Enjoyed myself. After a while,I'd gotten the worst headache,so of course,my mood changed,but nonetheless..I enjoyed myself. After the service we went BACK home.

After we'd arrived home,I chatted with my friend Du Jon and Paris for a minute..then had to jump up for a little dinner/party that Eli had put together,since he'd broken up with boyfriend,he felt the need to rejoice and throw a "divorce party"-something I've only heard of with the ladies of Park Avenue. So,I ran into my closet and spent about an half of hour trying to find something to wear. So,I decided to dress it up but, not too much..I wore a cotton Ralph Lauren oxford under a black tuxedo jacket and a pair of skinny Cheap Monday's with my fantastic black pointed toe shoe..I arrived feeling fantastic. I didn't enjoy myself. I sat with Eli on the couch yip yapping about his boyfriend's wrong doing and how he was soo glad he didn't have to deal with that anymore..Of course,I agreed with him. It's wonderful being single..but,I'm actually on the verge of changing that! (lol)

There was white wine,which became my only friend at the party..I grabbed the bottle and sat it between my legs keeping my glass on full until there wasn't anymore. I sat there by MYSELF. No one talked to me. Many spoke to me. But,no one talked to me. Which was fine. Until Jody & Velle showed up! I went berserk! So,excited to see them. They're my friends from NY,so they understood my discomfort. We stood there laughing and talking about the other guests..how they were dressed in tee shirts,jeans and sneakers and we were all dressed up for the occasion..the invite did say "Singles Dinner"..lol,but whatever..Jody wore high LV sneakers, khaki cotton trousers,striped button down,bow tie and a brown leather bomber jacket..Velle wore a short jersey dress in jewel green..cinched her waist with a turquoise belt with a large gold buckle..and a pair of gold Gucci platforms..sick. They went crazy over my new hair and we spoke about how I need to get back to New York.. I concurred of course. We grabbed another bottle and Velle & I started dancing to music we would normally hate..until they played "Swagga Like Us" by MIA & the Rap Pack..(Jay,TI,Wayne,& Mr. West.). Then the attention was all on us..We were the most fashionable people in the place. Although Eli through the party.. he wasn't dressed that chic. (Sorry,E.) He wore black pants a black and white graphic tee under a striped cardigan and converse. It's your party. You should look fantastic. What the hell happened,E.?

Anyway,so Velle & Jo are here for Mardi Gras. They're originally from here,so they love it. Me? Not so much.

But,it's going to be great,I'm sure. So,they followed me home..my mom made them spend the night because it was soo late and there had been some sort of crime scene outside the subdivision. It was nuts. If I hadn't been so toasted,I probably would have paid more attention.

Today..Monday..it's a Monday,what can I say? I woke up at about 7a..Jody & Velle were gone. They left a note telling me what hotel they're staying in and for me to call them if I wanted to hook up later. I'm so exhausted. It's been a crazy weekend..It's crazy that I get to rest on the weekdays..normally,weekends are the mellowest of times..

Let's see what the week has in store..

Jay Lee says it's going to be a "Blahhhh" week..

I certainly hope not. I have a new cut,for crying out loud!

Cheers!