What I'm Becoming..

With everything going on in my life,something always comes in a shifts me,slightly off balance. I was speaking to an old friend,who's a veteran in this fashion industry,he has designed pieces for everyone from Diva La Belle to Lil' Kim. He adds more "enlightening fluid" to this out of control but,very much so controlled fire of mine. This weekend,it was almost like I was in two places at once. I had an hour flight to Houston,for a family's house warming,leave the party at 8 then, hop on a 10:30p flight to Chicago for a final fitting for a client of mine.

We stand at the door awaiting our pick up..by "we",I mean,my bff & partner,B. Causing quite a stir,everyone wants to know who these "fabulous gay guys" are on passerby asks when she asks us to take a picture with her. B. wearing stonewashed Dsquared2 jeans,graphic tee under a black leather jacket,a pair of blue suede Supra's and his brown leather Guccissima tote..and black duffel bag..and eyes ensconced behind black 54's . I standing in a pair of dark blue Trues, large grey tee deep v t-shirt and an oversize Zegna cashmere sweater belted with DVF's studded black belt..and my calf length brown Ugg's and neon yellow 54's on. My hair was "Beatles-esque" and left arm heavy due to the hardware and charms that embellished my wrist.

We snap a few photos for the on-lookers and just like,celeb style,lol,our all black shiny SUV pulls up,two guys (one the groom,the other a super cutie) hops out..greets us..grabs our bags and within a flash we're whisked away to the freeway. We are driven to the Westin hotel on Michigan Avenue. Derron,the groom,hands me the keys to our room. Informs me that he'll be here at 2p tomorrow,he'll call me when he leaves the house. So,we head to the elevators and head to our room. 16Th floor. Wonderful view... We get into our room and settle down..we both took our cell phones out,which haven't been powered on yet..We dread it. I plug my phone to the charger,turn it on and lay down. I get a text from DJ asking if I was going to call him or not..I decided to call. I explain I'd just got in. I call him and keep it very short and brief. Not explaining anything. Holding back all information..my location..my true whereabouts..etc..etc..B.,who has a whole bed to himself,is lying in my bed..eavesdropping..as we watch Step Brother's on Pay Per View..

Anyway,so we get into the movie and I get a text from E.D.,telling me to call him. He was suppose to have arrived on yesterday,but he's arriving tomorrow morning..I designed the dress, he's bringing my illustration to life. Wonderful man. Absolutely wonderful. So,I call him. He answers the call with song,"You make me feel.." Oh,no. I burst into laughter. He tells me,he wants to have a little chit chat with me about my business plan and other little things. We hang up. Watch a little of the movie,then decide to get dressed and go to the bar down the street from our hotel. A nice spot. Name,I can't remember for the life of me. They showed us soo much love. Some lady in a red dress and red heels bought us drinks..we had a ball. We went into the bathroom to do a few lines..little did we know there would be a group of white gay guys doing their own little thing in the corner. Ya! Coke or Cola!?! We met a few cute guys, we carcass amongst the crowd.. being the cute,fly ones with all the attention have been our forte`,since before we met..so,of course,we just lapped it all up.

Until ol' boy began to grope and fondle. The white girl doesn't make me horny. It makes me talkative. It's great for networking..being the center of attention,when need be..you know? So, we make moves with that. I got sick of being man handled..and by the skater boy with the scuffed converse and the hole under his arm..I don't think so. So,we took photos with the group and heading to our room. We get to our room and there's nothing else to do. So,we go back downstairs to the nearest alley way and smoke. Then,go back upstairs and do some junkie shit,lol.

So,we fall asleep..

We wake up due to a knock on the door.."knock knock knock", I don't budge. B.,jumps out of bed and bombards the door. Swings it open,it's E.D. informing me that he's here and that he set lunch reservations for the two of us downstairs. I yell out from bed,"yea,ok..see you at Noon." I fall back into a deep sleep and get up at 11:43a...I remember specifically because De Ray sent me three text msgs in that minute. I got up. Showered and stood amid this room,which now resembled a neglected fitting room..I grab my black super skinnies,my black "love Karl" tee shirt and black leather jacket..slid on a pair of black and white converse in low top..grab my Croc skin bag..slide on my neon yellow frames and head downstairs. E.D. is already seated. Before I even get to the hostess,she knew my name and who I was looking for. She shows me to our table and he looks up at me over his tortoise shell eyeglasses and said,"Immaculate timing. You're soo professional." He begins. Edwing is a phenomenon. He digs into my brain all the time. He's constantly making sure I'm on my toes. And,he says I amaze him every time,but I'm left mind boggled..trying to make sure I'd answered the damn question as efficiently and professionally as possible.

Although,we're good friends,we keep our relationship very business oriented. He's mentoring me and I love it. He begins:

E.D.:"What's the last thing you torn down and re-reconstructed?"

J.D.: What is this? Question and Answer? Oh,my gawd..already? The last thing I demolished and re-reconstructed was my relationship with everyone around me. I do that from time to time to assess friendships. You can't really value something or someone that shouldn't be of value these days,we're going through a recession,for Christ's sake,you know?

E: Great answer. How do you feel right now?

J.: I feel all sorts of things,right now. I'm tired. I'm hungover. I'm anxious.

(long pause)

Honestly,right this second,I feel like a horse with blinders on and you're my jockey guy..guiding me,helping me gain better focus on myself.

E: How do you feel about our relationship?

J.: I value our relationship. We're friends. You're an amazing designer and I feel it's great to have you..like, a liaisons,you know? You teach me so much,I can't help but be grateful. You wear me to shreds sometimes,but I appreciate the challenge.

E.: Good. This time around what will be different?

J: (takes deep breath) It's as if,falling, created little cracks in my armor and revealed humanity beneath. Everyone viewed me as unapproachable,complicated and very put together. When behind closed doors,I'm very approachable,I'm always complicated..and I'm very disheveled and unbelievably fragile. The fragility,of course,is contingent upon what's at stake. What will be different? I'm not entirely sure. I just feel a difference..(pause).. I mean,what is everyone expecting-a detailed,revealing confession from a young guy who's never shown himself to be a bit emotional,detailed or revealing??

E.: Your business plan lacked in some areas,other areas were absolutely amazing. I was pleased with where you're going. How you handle things,is a pleasure to watch. You're always so poised and yes,can appear very unapproachable,but you know,Lagerfeld is that way,he's a Virgo,too you know? How have you changed?

J.: Yes,I know. My plan lapsed because at the time,I'm living in New York,I'm living this "fab" life to the outsiders looking in..I was young and stupid. I'd thrown myself directly in the middle of the Big Apple,just as I'd wanted to do and came out a changed man. I learned soo much from those who surrounded me..I was fascinated by every single person,I met. Man,woman,boy girl.. if you were driven and actually pursuing your dream,you were my hero,you know? I look at it like, I nosedived right in and actually gave myself the opportunity to grow up and do things at my own pace..even if it was on another's expense. You know? I read a lot of Andy Warhol books and his words are powerful..so,powerful it's ridiculous. He taught me how to be a New Yorker. Think as a New Yorker. He's amazing. You know,at one point,in my mind,I did nothing wrong..but,thankfully,I've realized that I am not perfect. In New York,after all, what matters is results. New York is one of a kind. It made me ask all the tough questions. It brought out the absolute fucking best in me. There are still things I have to work on,of course..but,that's the greatest part! (pauses and lets out a sigh) Revealing the truth about yourself always feels soo damn liberating.

E.: In your text to me,yesterday you said you felt like,"Humpty Dumpty"..why is that?

(our food arrives..chicken ravioli..white wine..and Le Dulce cheesecake for me. Salad for him.)

J.: Well,I eradicated soo much of the "old me",I had to ask. What parts do you put back together? Damage control is all about perusing the best of bad options,they say and you most certainly can not put in what God left out. I'm heartbroken. Dealing with it. I'm angry with the world,but I'm dealing with it. When you me,you told me,I possessed great humility and greater austerity. And,I grasped tightly to that. I love that. I feel that's how it's suppose to be. Especially coming into an industry where people will take advantage of you. If they see you can make lots of money,they will certainly take advantage of you. I have a long list of misuser's and abusers, but it's the austerity that keeps me moving and the humility that helps me to-

E.: Forgive or forget?

J.: Ha! I wish I could forgive easier. An honest mistake is something I find easiest to forgive..but, I'd rather seek revenge. Ask Karl..he'll certainly attest to that!

E: How do you deal with what you've gone through with the "users and abusers"?

J.: I put myself in a position to understand that, no matter who has what, the truth will be revealed. That's ultimately the place I want to be in. I have soo much to give. Not material. Nor am I just soo financially blessed that I can just dish,dish..and at one point,I painted pictures like that. Because I wanted to believe that's where I was. But,when I ended up broke,alone and all I had was Darryl Smith aka B.? I was like,'fuck everything and everyone else!' This is absolute bullshit. We've got to do better. If they hate me,good for them. If they love me? Well, that's even better for them..but,I'm so much more observant. And,honestly with my team,I'm harder to get to. Believe me. I'm no longer seeking friendships,approval..blase blah..I'm really just trying to do the best I have with what I've got and that's the absolute best friends,a wonderful family and relationship thats sort of on the rocks but,salvageable. We're deeply in love but,our relationship is very love/hate. But,we make it work..as far as the users and abusers,I have no place for them. I rarely have time for the associations I have and if I do give someone time,that means,they must matter a hell of a lot!

(An hour later,we met up with B.,made it to the fitting/consultation. Had a few drinks with the wedding party and boarded our 6o'clock flight to New Orleans.)

Being home never felt so good.

Headed BACK to Chicago in a few weeks..

Oh,yea! I forgot to mention..

I'm back on tour!

Pray for me!