3.23.09

Things are hard right now.

I say things are hard because I'm standing at a fork in the road. Questioning my motives & thoughts. Trying to figure out what's the best move for me to make. Do I jump up and head back to New York or do I stay here,enroll in school and get my life in order? Of course,there is the situation with DJ,where I'm questioning if I should follow through with this so called invitation for the relationship to work,but I'm feeling some sort of way about it. He says he doesn't want to live without me and yet,I haven't heard from him in four days...(sigh)

->Verbally,I can't really express the angst and the burden upon my heart,right now. You can see it. You may even feel it. I just walked pass the laundry where I overheard my mother loading clothes in the dryer,talking about my little brother. Crying. There is no other hurtful feeling than the feeling you get when you hear your mother or see your mother crying. It's crazy. We haven't heard from my little brother in a few days..and it's been sort of heavy on her. It's been heavy on me,too of course because I want to know he's "ok"..he's become a man and has ventured off into the world of the "street life"..of course,it's scary. We need to be concerned.

I'm stuck in this uncomfortably gruesome mood,because yesterday I made a reappearance on the scene. I saw the two faced bitches I'd once modified as friends. I spoke. Dished out a few hugs. I was respectful and cute. Hair blown all over my head,from the horrid winds,but you know, seeing the look on their faces did more for me than me seeking revenge. Oh,yes. I'm still alive & well. I'm still fly as hell. And,I'm getting thicker than a snicker. I don't have much to think about when it comes to these niggas..honestly. I was heartbroken,that they weren't true, but I'd rather be a lonesome son of a bitch than to be around two faced bitches. That smile in your face shit. That talk behind your back shit..I can do without. I spoke and didn't think twice. Maybe I didn't react because I was on a vicodin (2 tablets). Feeling quite comfortable in these streets that were filled,as if, it were Mardi Gras..knowing,I have anxiety issues. Unbelievably comfortable. I just didn't feel the need to go crazy,be catty. I know you despise me. I've heard about the rumors you spread. But,you know,life is all about moving forward and progressing..so,hold on? Grudge? No ma'am. How about laugh?!

So,I was stoned out and now I'm suffering the consequences of being "stoned". I'm not in the best mood. I'm ultra tired. Have suppressed thoughts. Couldn't even enjoy having lunch with my sister,Charlet. She wanted to have a little chit chat. I wasn't enthused,let alone up for it. We went to Reginelli's a little Italian joint on Magazine St.,she dressed to impress (she said,"I wanted to impress you.") In a black leather mini from "the Row",an Alexander Wang tank under a jean jacket and a pair of sky high white ankle boots with a cute little clutch. Nice. I wore brown plaid harem pants,white V-neck tee shirt under a dark blue jean jacket..eyes ensconced in large black frames..of course,I wore my black alligator tote..filled with all the April issues of Harper's Bazaar,Vogue,GQ,Details,Paper,Zink,Elle, and OUT. We spoke about different things her relationship is going down the rocks,my so called relationship is pretty stagnant at this point.. I haven't spoken to him in what? Almost a week,now. So,I'm pretty much over the bullshit. We do a lot of crazy things in love. But,this is coming to a close. Again.

So,we basically discussed everything on our minds. Over delicious pizza and a Chardonnay. We laugh when I mention,we should hold a funeral for our broken hearts and have a "we're single again" party. She concurs. It gets quiet after a few minutes. I'm staring off into the street watching people walk up and down the sidewalk..thinking of nothing in particular,just thinking..
She breaks the silence..

"You know,I know, you love this boy. He hasn't shown or proven anything since you guys have been back together. So,if he feels he's tired of proving himself. Let him go. Because if he wants to be with you,he wouldn't grow tired..he would continue to do it. Over and over and over until everything between you two is worked out. I'm your sister. I don't want you to go through the same bullshit he brought you through 3 years ago. It's time for change. And,he hasn't called you in a week? Fuck Don."

I sit in silence. Staring at her from behind my glasses. I take a sip. Prepare to speak. Takes another sip. I smile. Because I have gone through soo much with this dude and although you send me flowers and a phone call every now and again doesn't necessarily mean you've proven that you're ready. I'm the type of bitch that goes off of actions. Not words. Many people can say shit. Doesn't necessarily mean they mean it. I'm okay without him being in my life. I swear I am. Of course,I don't want it to be that way,you know? But,I'm okay without you. The worrying. The concerns. The bullshit. I don't possess the toleration for it. I imagine things with us will smooth out in the future. I imagined that we'll become "one" and become an example for the younger generations to come. Yes,he's a gorgeous man..with awful habits. He's a driven man. He's determined and that's what I love about him,but I'm no sideline bitch. And,all the groupie niggers you got going..when I came BACK into the picture,that shit should have come to a screeching halt. What do I do? I remember when he fell in love with me. I remember when things were soo great between us. And,I remember when he broke my heart. And,I haven't healed since. How can I get back into a relationship with the man that broke my heart and I'm obviously still wounded?

Last night,I was on the phone with a friend,D-Ray and he asks me,"Why don't you talk about your exes? Why don't you ever speak about them?" I answer abruptly,"Why do I have to mention them? Apparently,they're "exes" for a reason." He is 6'1..gorgeous personality..very slim (with the nicest butt,lol)..He's the sweetest person,I've come across in a very long time. The other night he texts me saying,"I wanna c u. I get off at 3am." I replied by saying,"When do you wanna see me then?" He answered,"3:01" The most darling thing. He's adorable. And,most importantly,he stands in admiration when he sees me. Always smiling when we're talking. He makes me laugh. And,we're just friends..of course,there's an attraction,but he's just getting out of a relationship,some months ago..I'm going through this crazy bullshit with DJ and Ja..it's crazy..but,it's SO very comforting to have someone to talk to and and pull me close when I get quiet and ask,"whats on your mind like that?" You know?

Idk..

Life.
They say life is what we make it.
Am I really making it harder than it should be?

Are you there vodka?
It's me,J.