[3.19.09]

[scratches head]

I have a lot of things to talk about this morning..so,I'll jump right to it.

OK,last night,I attended a conference dubbed the "Faith Conference" and as a lot of you readers may have read, I'd sort of fallen off of the "gospel singing bandwagon". I stumbled across some knowledge,in which I've applied. I'm not a weak being,easily influenced..manipulated..or whatever. Of course,we've all had our dumb moments-excuse me-our naive moments in love..we've all had situations where "beef" (an altercation/confrontation) had been broiled by an unofficial cook and we took it a step further than necessary..but,of course,IN THE END we gain clarification. Well,the book I read was an amazing one. Something I would discuss forever.

But,last night!

Last night was the meat sauce that popped the string of linguine..(wait,what? lmao)

--Well,you know,I'm a ditz..nerd..cornball..so,things just pop up out of nowhere!

Ok. On with it.

Last night,I attended this conference. Apprehensive,of course..dressed shabbily,if I may add. An over sized button down..a pair of jeans and a baseball cap to top it off (literally). So,I sat down..as the choir sang..horribly. For the first time in two years,I socialized at church. Well,besides the usual people complimenting my wardrobe..my hair..asking about my rates. Other than the pastor and first lady,I have no reason to really socialize with the congregation. I'm super weird about that whole "church folk" thing..you know,smiling in your face..gossiping behind your back..yeah..that thing. Actress,Tasha Smith actually spoke to me about being delivered from people.. So,I appreciate the friendship we share.

Well,the speaker was Pastor Steve O. Allen..wonderful guy from La Place. He spoke on "Expectations & Fear".

To summarize:

Speak everything you want into existence. Expect great things and eliminate the spirit of fear.

Honestly,I find myself fearful a lot of the time. I mean,don't get me wrong,I'm not a lion,although I come off as one..I'm more of a wise Antelope..that's dating the Lion,lol..if you catch my drift. Any how,we started in Isaiah- No weapon formed against me shall prosper.. He goes on to say,"It takes spiritual power to fight a spiritual enemy"..which is profoundly true. He also goes on to say how we have more faith in the enemy than we do in our God. Meaning God said he's to give me life more abundantly,did he not? And, the enemy comes to steal,kill and destroy. That hit it dead on the nose. Because in this time in my life,where I'm trusting God to open these amazing doors for me,I'm standing in fear. Thinking it won't and it can't happen..and maybe that's why I haven't been too successful with finding backers and getting great deals on property..or maybe it's just the economy..(sigh). But,I know everything is going to get better. Just as I knew,Barack would be our president. Everyone spoke about how they never thought it would happen..I always knew it would happen.. you know? So,I guess,in the back of my mind there is some faith..but,I must exude faith in all I do & say.

So,after all the first night was brought to close,Pastor did his alter call..I,of course had soo much stuff on my heart,I felt compelled to walk up to him and get it straight. He prayed for me. We went to the back and Steve and Pastor both spoke with me about what was on my heart. I expressed that I've been ridiculously depressed. Hiding it by wearing flashy clothes and the attitude,how I dread waking up in the morning being in New Orleans,not having any work..being creatively drained..having depleted funds by taking care of business for my family..(I sort of feel like,Qwanell from Day26) I've no true friends...

Steve interrupts by saying," Faith is the substance of things hoped for,the evidence of things not seen. So,Lil' brother,you have to believe that thing will change for you. Repeat after me,say 'I believe God'." Of course,I repeat it..and I was hesitant at first,because I didn't want to say it,just because he told me to..I wanted to say and actually mean it. And,I really do believe it. I grew up in religion. My uncle is Bishop Brister,my dad was a pastor for some time..my mom, a firm believer. Why I strayed away,I don't know. But,I stepped out on faith yesterday,with the belief that things will change if I do this. Thus far..I'm not depressed..a little upset because I need to get my hair done,but other than that..I'm good. Really good. Steve continues," Be not afraid,only believe. Don't worry about work. Delay is not denial. As far as,you losing friends..Man! You're an Eagle. I can tell. And,eagles don't fly with little birds." Then,Pastor jumps in,"You know,J..I didn't quit stuff. Stuff quit me. They stopped answering and returning your calls? They stopped speaking to you? You arrive at parties and they don't parlay with you? That the sign that you've shifted. You've taken it to another level. You have to be careful who you associate with and walk with. You can't walk in faith,hanging around "doubty",fearful folk."

It's soo amazing how they hit it directly on the nose. I almost cried. But,it's been some time,since I actually sought the word of God. And,felt the delivery. I'm at a point in my life,where I don't want to be around stagnant beings. Stagnancy worries me..and being here,I'm certainly surrounded by just that. If I were to list names,I guarantee you'll find every one of those noted here in the city..doing the same stuff they were doing years ago. And,that disgusts me. I don't even party. Unless,it's at some one's house. I don't want to talk to anyone,because I may rub them the wrong way..I couldn't careless how someone feels about me,but in the end..I long to be understood.

Yes,they did stop speaking to me.

Yes,they did stop returning my calls..answering my calls..but,with the loss of every associate and fake friend, I gained something that elongates and strengthens my resume. So,I don't worry about things like that. But,it's hard being in my shoes (let's not forget,I don't buy shoes to walk in..I buy shoes to look cute).So,that's really hard,lol. I needed to be encouraged. I needed to be reminded that although I walked away,God didn't leave my side. He's always been there. He's the same yesterday,today and everyday! Rectification. Thank you. I needed to be encouraged and step out on faith believing that this relationship with DJ and I will work this time..I needed to believe that my business will succeed. I needed to trust that I will be out of debt and all my needs will be met. Most of all,I needed to be reassured the day will come when I'll lend, not borrow.It's hard to believe,yes..Easier to doubt. But,you know,great things come to those who fully understand his word.

And,I thoroughly understand. And,I'm incredibly thankful.

It's good to be back.

I've been sad. Indubitably suppressed..depressed...opressed..et cetera..et cetera. You have no idea. It was to the point where it took over my body. I was literally sick and tired of being sick and tired! I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I slept for three days straight.

--Still have a lot on my mind..but,I'm good. Trust me..I'm better.

I've been talked about by folk,I thought were true friends and folk that didn't know anything other than my first name.. I've been talked about, by family members, hell-I was jumped by family and thrown out on the street. Thank God,I'd made an association with someone that truly cared for me.

From now on,I'm encouraged to make nothing other than avid decisions.Especially, to stay in his graces. And,not pay any attention to the failures in my life. I'll focus on the successes achieved and the ones in the near future! (wink,wink)

"Ever tried,ever failed,no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

-Samuel Beckett