Heartless.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart.

Warning: The beauty photographed, the personality that shines through conversation stops there..

Yesterday,my mom and I decided to have lunch since she had a day off. So,we get up, get dressed and head out..since this is a "relaxing" day,I decide to wear my Marc Jacobs wide leg jean,graphic tee which says, "Incompatible", and (my most recent splurge) a brown tarnish leather blazer/jacket. My mother comes in somewhat similar attire..dark blue wide leg jeans,frilly blouse and that great blue Chanel-esque jacket, J. Crew did.. We grab a bite at New Orleans Food & Spirit, since I have been ranting about this craving for their wonderful corn chowder and creole crawfish rolls (talk about delish)!! Anyway,we sit down and have our mother-to-son chit chat-laughing, sharing foods & drinking white wine recalling our Mardi Gras day-although we were together yesterday,we had to share our encounters-when out of nowhere, cold as a bullet she shot that discerning look-the look she always gives when we're about to have a "heart to heart". So,with a forced smile (small in degree),she says:

" I notice great change in you,J. I just wanna say, I'm so proud of you."

I had no response,because it's not very often when you're praised for change.

Often times,we're reminded,incessantly-of our past shortcomings and NO acknowledgement of growth.

She goes," I watch as you go through these "trying" situations" and I get a kick of you bounce back stronger each time. You don't sweat the small shit..You're more protective. Guarded. Intuitive..You are certainly my child. Let nothing corrupt you. You always make the right decisions when you follow your heart. And,it's hard sometimes,but I'm coming to terms with you becoming a man and a very strong,powerful man,at that! But,your hate is soo strong,it beams,J. Oh my god! Why is that?"

We burst into a boisterous laughter. Ok,Ok..My mom is my best friend. The only person,I would consider a "friend 'til the end". The only person who isn't necessarily obligated to have my back,but does. She catches me time after time when I fall short and I'm so grateful to have her as a mother, as a friend, as a confidante. Not everyone has this. And,we pride ourselves on the relationship we share.

She has never made me feel,that I should be anything other than what I am and what I long to be. Her rules of life: "Speak your mind. Be respectful and Be yourself". And,I've applied that fully..

I live by these rules,irrefutably.

The "situation" she's referring to is the break up,I went through..the coming in & jumping out of the consideration of rekindling a flame that wasn't meant to be lit. The loss of friendships and the realization that I can't depend on mere mortals,lol. Don't get me wrong,I'm not modifying myself as "god" nor better than the next..but,often times,we're promised things by friends and get our hopes up ONLY to be let down. And, I was bothered profusely. Had an amazing job offer. Lost it. Had great shoots lined up. Lost them. It's a hurtful feeling,especially when I felt my intuition telling me "yeah,right", I get excited only to be disappointed...but, I don't sweat the tiny shit nor blame anyone for my shortcomings. Everyone around is Human. And, they're liable to make mistakes and fall short..so,why do I find myself bothered so badly by things?

Because I'm spoiled..

I am the only person who can make transitions in my life,clearly. One morning,I stood on the Hudson River pier,praying that I would be relieved of the shackles that held me bound- shackled to the concerns of the thoughts of people. I wanted to stop caring what everyone else thought. I wanted to stop worrying. I wanted to NOT seek approval. Gradually,you guys, I can say I am being extricated. I long for nothing but,completion. I realize that I am as close to perfection as I would ever get and I'm comfortable with being imperfect and I explain this to my mom. Of course,she understands. She's been the underdog ..coming out of an aweful relationship, having raised two wonderful headstrong children..losing herself,because REAL mothers lose themselves while raising her children. And,she's a lionness..making sure J&A were better than "okay". Child #1, found his niche and is hopping forward to fulfill his dreams..the other still seeking aimlessly but,no less strengthened..(we're both Virgo's).

I explain the role my father played in my life,corrupted me. I longed for nothing more than his approval & acceptance. For him to deny me as an infant. Promise something and never ever deliver..me inheriting his stupid unforgiving ways..I hate him. He started the shit. My mother met another man,he raised me. That's who I modify as my daddy. His passing on my 9th birthday, really fucked me up. Next father figure? Hmm..I'd gotten really close to my uncle..he passed in '98..so,at 13,I realized that I couldn't love any man in my life. I was afraid to get close to them. I was afraid to be vulnerable and permit entry,because I knew that I would be disappointed in the end. She asks "Why is that?" There's her answer.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I tell my mom:

"Mom,I know,you know this already but..every guy I've ever come to care about has disappointed me in one way or the other. Yes,I'm unforgiving,at times..I hold too strongly,obliviously..Yes,I feel revenge is greater than forgiveness. I was told "Never let your past override your future". I don't. I don't trust easily. Of course,because I've learned hearts break so easily..and it seems my heart hasn't healed from the first time it was broken."

She cuts me off,"But,babe..how can you expect to give your heart to the good guy that comes along?"

My answer?

"Mom, I lost my heart along time ago and gained some balls.."