Ending before it begins..

My life is falling apart. I'm starting a business; for which I have no financial backers. Hardly any real friends to rely on. Apprehension revolves around the thought of asking family for it..therefore, I have nothing. I don't have anything to really "talk" about..I can only do so much blogging about this crap..but,I'd warned you that I would wind up blogging on topics that deal with love and other "psycho chick babble",as my ex calls it..

When I initiated this blogging site,there was a lot of discombobulated thoughts. What should I blog about? Will anyone ever read any of my postings? How will I come off to the readers?

With the amazing things I've done in my career,shouldn't I have more to blog about??

Many people feels this makes me more approachable. Realistic. Not as high strung as some of these other characters that blog about things that are totally out of whack,some with absolutely no point at all...

-In the beginning,a friend of mine spoke to me about blogging about my life..my designer wardrobe(I don't know why? I guess, to make people think, I'm superior),but I wanted this to be introspective and honest,just as I'd always intended. No exaggeration- the ideas proposed temptation. Thinking, "Maybe I should give the kids something to read about"..truth is,I have much more going on with me,than the linens and skins I purchase.

So,I'd rather not. I'd rather you get to know the real me.

I don't enjoy people knowing what designer I'm wearing. Putting tabs on my wardrobe is as tacky as a young lady shabbily dressed..undergarments exposed...shoes not her size..and some sort of belly baring top..(eh!). All that craziness does for me is leave mental luggage stuffed with bullshit and a rapport that's not very appealing to readers,clientele..uh, anyone for that matter.

On the romantic note,I'm speaking to an ex-boyfriend and it's really bringing me to a level of great discomfort. We had one of our "usual" confrontations the other night and I'm like,how could we possibly get back together if you're acting like a kid and you know I don't have the toleration needed in that department. Especially after being trampled and cheating on..do we find this ethical at all to go back in this direction? (Not really.) No one knows of this um,we'll call it, "re-association"..I have been warned a plethora of times in the past by friends and family members..warning that he'll do this and he'll do that..and it's so amazing how your mother knows things,because everything she told me he would do..he did. And,now..that I'm speaking to him again,she's a little eerie about it. Always giving me this eye,like.."Don't be foolish." So,it's pretty difficult to see past the drama and b.s. and see a clear future. I deliberately defied my family and friends' warnings. More often,I defied my mind.

A simple fool in love,I called myself repetitively..

Well,he's trying to convince me that it's only me. He has no other love interests. He's putting forth the effort to be faithful and so on and so forth. He uses this "I don't care" shitty ass response when asked if he's bothered or tattered by something..and honestly,that's how the saga began. But,he says,he's trying to be better. Better?

Does your shitty promises alleviate the two years of stress,tears and heartache? What about the two years of feeling inadequate? If I recall,I was the one that talked you off the ledge of the Hudson River,playing the propositus character when family wasn't there..the one who stood beside you encouraging you..

(even after you indulged in the C character..the B character..the M character..Gosh,I wish I wasn't such an elephant) It's driving me back to that state of mind,where I'm like,"Fuck it and everything IT entails ". The state of mind I have the right to adopt again. And,what's worst? This is a situation I can change. I left him for months at a time..almost a year..investing in prolific time for me. And,as much as,I would say I believe him and I trust him..it's all lies. I don't. I just don't want to cause any discomfort for him..but,what the deuce? How dare I take in consideration someone that didn't really consider the heart that was handed to him. Foolishly handed, but handed nonetheless.

So,that's where I am. Stuck between love and a hard place..

Emotionally fucked up. Unable to trust. Anyone that has dealt with a Virgo,knows and understands if you betray our trust once,you don't get it back easily. Case closed.

I don't enjoy being this way. I wish I was easy going and vulnerable...but,thankfully,I'm not.

I'm distraught. I don't need this..especially starting a business..I need a clear head and financial backers!!!

Where's that vodka?