Left Turn Here.

Quiet times consists of lying in bed, holding my pillow while staring at my chocolate and mauve painted walls thinking of how I can break away. Today was interesting. I cried. It's been so very long since the last "good" cry..but today, I cried like,actually cried...

Lucky me.

As I said,it's been such a long time since tears have actually streamed down my face. These tears strolled down my face and fell into my palms and into my lap. Normally,I don't cry. When I try to cry my eyes well and "cup" my eye. I'm not sure why things seem the way they do at this point in my life,I just woke up feeling alone thinking that I would probably grow older becoming this bitter lonely elderly gay guy,wearing skinned boots and floor length furs to comfort me..because that all I have..dying of loneliness. Constantly talking about what I use to be. Envious of the "now". Here they are,again..the tears. Would you like to know something? I'm actually soothed & comforted by these tears. They're the only things in my life that remind me that I'm only human. I can and will make mistakes and they're the reassurance that any circumstance I'm in is only temporary. I don't normally show emotion so of course,when these times come,I analyze them deeply.

I woke up this morning to an empty house. Facing my editorial plastered closet doors. I lay there for the bit. Mind vacant. Embracing the sound of nothingness. Listening to the wind as it rustles the leaves on the baby palm outside my window. I embrace the feeling of nothingness. Noone lying next to me. Noone. I roll over,grab my pillow and hold it close..imagining it being someone..anyone..but,there's only one heartbeat (boom,boom..boom,boom..). Just. Me.
Vacancy resides..(sigh)..where's the irony in that,right?
All day..I lay under the covers..until Tootie scratches at my door to go outside..
Until about 7p..because the Grammy's are coming on..

Where's the wine?