Heartless.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart.

Warning: The beauty photographed, the personality that shines through conversation stops there..

Yesterday,my mom and I decided to have lunch since she had a day off. So,we get up, get dressed and head out..since this is a "relaxing" day,I decide to wear my Marc Jacobs wide leg jean,graphic tee which says, "Incompatible", and (my most recent splurge) a brown tarnish leather blazer/jacket. My mother comes in somewhat similar attire..dark blue wide leg jeans,frilly blouse and that great blue Chanel-esque jacket, J. Crew did.. We grab a bite at New Orleans Food & Spirit, since I have been ranting about this craving for their wonderful corn chowder and creole crawfish rolls (talk about delish)!! Anyway,we sit down and have our mother-to-son chit chat-laughing, sharing foods & drinking white wine recalling our Mardi Gras day-although we were together yesterday,we had to share our encounters-when out of nowhere, cold as a bullet she shot that discerning look-the look she always gives when we're about to have a "heart to heart". So,with a forced smile (small in degree),she says:

" I notice great change in you,J. I just wanna say, I'm so proud of you."

I had no response,because it's not very often when you're praised for change.

Often times,we're reminded,incessantly-of our past shortcomings and NO acknowledgement of growth.

She goes," I watch as you go through these "trying" situations" and I get a kick of you bounce back stronger each time. You don't sweat the small shit..You're more protective. Guarded. Intuitive..You are certainly my child. Let nothing corrupt you. You always make the right decisions when you follow your heart. And,it's hard sometimes,but I'm coming to terms with you becoming a man and a very strong,powerful man,at that! But,your hate is soo strong,it beams,J. Oh my god! Why is that?"

We burst into a boisterous laughter. Ok,Ok..My mom is my best friend. The only person,I would consider a "friend 'til the end". The only person who isn't necessarily obligated to have my back,but does. She catches me time after time when I fall short and I'm so grateful to have her as a mother, as a friend, as a confidante. Not everyone has this. And,we pride ourselves on the relationship we share.

She has never made me feel,that I should be anything other than what I am and what I long to be. Her rules of life: "Speak your mind. Be respectful and Be yourself". And,I've applied that fully..

I live by these rules,irrefutably.

The "situation" she's referring to is the break up,I went through..the coming in & jumping out of the consideration of rekindling a flame that wasn't meant to be lit. The loss of friendships and the realization that I can't depend on mere mortals,lol. Don't get me wrong,I'm not modifying myself as "god" nor better than the next..but,often times,we're promised things by friends and get our hopes up ONLY to be let down. And, I was bothered profusely. Had an amazing job offer. Lost it. Had great shoots lined up. Lost them. It's a hurtful feeling,especially when I felt my intuition telling me "yeah,right", I get excited only to be disappointed...but, I don't sweat the tiny shit nor blame anyone for my shortcomings. Everyone around is Human. And, they're liable to make mistakes and fall short..so,why do I find myself bothered so badly by things?

Because I'm spoiled..

I am the only person who can make transitions in my life,clearly. One morning,I stood on the Hudson River pier,praying that I would be relieved of the shackles that held me bound- shackled to the concerns of the thoughts of people. I wanted to stop caring what everyone else thought. I wanted to stop worrying. I wanted to NOT seek approval. Gradually,you guys, I can say I am being extricated. I long for nothing but,completion. I realize that I am as close to perfection as I would ever get and I'm comfortable with being imperfect and I explain this to my mom. Of course,she understands. She's been the underdog ..coming out of an aweful relationship, having raised two wonderful headstrong children..losing herself,because REAL mothers lose themselves while raising her children. And,she's a lionness..making sure J&A were better than "okay". Child #1, found his niche and is hopping forward to fulfill his dreams..the other still seeking aimlessly but,no less strengthened..(we're both Virgo's).

I explain the role my father played in my life,corrupted me. I longed for nothing more than his approval & acceptance. For him to deny me as an infant. Promise something and never ever deliver..me inheriting his stupid unforgiving ways..I hate him. He started the shit. My mother met another man,he raised me. That's who I modify as my daddy. His passing on my 9th birthday, really fucked me up. Next father figure? Hmm..I'd gotten really close to my uncle..he passed in '98..so,at 13,I realized that I couldn't love any man in my life. I was afraid to get close to them. I was afraid to be vulnerable and permit entry,because I knew that I would be disappointed in the end. She asks "Why is that?" There's her answer.

Somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I tell my mom:

"Mom,I know,you know this already but..every guy I've ever come to care about has disappointed me in one way or the other. Yes,I'm unforgiving,at times..I hold too strongly,obliviously..Yes,I feel revenge is greater than forgiveness. I was told "Never let your past override your future". I don't. I don't trust easily. Of course,because I've learned hearts break so easily..and it seems my heart hasn't healed from the first time it was broken."

She cuts me off,"But,babe..how can you expect to give your heart to the good guy that comes along?"

My answer?

"Mom, I lost my heart along time ago and gained some balls.."

I sat back..waiting..

Deeply anticipating..

The opportunity to apologize.

Instead I sat back..waiting..

Angrily contemplating..

The plan of your demise.

I'm literally sick of it..

You sick of me..I sick of you..

And,we haven't begun this thing called "a relationship"

But,with the way things are going..and how they've been.

I doubt if we can ever get on with it.



You tell me one thing. I think another..

Bitches in my position think like that.

You say "My bad"..I snicker in disgust..

That you would dare respond like that..

And,yet..

I call you to touch base..a movie blast in the background..
You say,you're with your "cousin"..

Of course,I don't believe you..you say she's your favorite..

I bring the convo to a close,before I start fussin' & cussin..


I don't think,I can do this.

I warm up to you. Trust rears it's head..
I disappear..

Great questions need equivalent answers..

DOES LOVE AND TRUST GO HAND IN HAND OR PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER?

I've asked a total of 30 people and all of them responded with the same answer,they say "Play against". Which is interesting because in order to have a solid relationship you need to have trust and to have a lasting relationship you need to love the other,do you not? It's pretty difficult,isn't it?. Imbalanced. Hard to understand. Someone says,"you can love someone,but may not trust them due to your level of insecurity". Some go into an area I'm familiar with-You may love someone, often times something is done to eradicate trust along with it's chances of being regained. Truth,at it's core.

My friend,Du Jon says, "One needs the other,I can't have a boyfriend,I can't trust. Think of it,J. I need to trust you to tell you my deepest,darkest passion or vices. I must love you to be comfortable with you for you to see me vulnerable. I love this topic!" I truly agree with him only because of what I've been taught a relationship is suppose to based on. Honesty & Trust, first. Passion & Love. We often find ourselves in situations where we want to trust the other, but find it impossible when,in order to maintain a healthy relationship we NEED to trust the other. I've been asked time and time again by DJ,"How can you love me,if you say you don't trust me?" It's hard to explain. I know..trust me. And,if you're currently dealing with a situation as such,I understand where you are emotionally & mentally. Emotionally paralyzed. Mentally strapped. I know,where you're going. If you're anything like,me..I know,how long it'll take you to obtain the level of trust you need and desire. I'm still taking what they call "baby steps"..it's been 3 yrs.

Another response from Steve:
"They play against one another because the more you love someone the more jealous you become. Most of the time,it's not your partner..it's you." Agree? Disagree? I don't know. I had sometime to think on this..at first,I agreed..then,after discussing it with DuJon,he reminded me that love is not jealous..so,what do we do,now?

-- As I said before,I'm currently dealing with this sort of thing. While with DJ, I've been lied to. Cheated on. Lied to some more. Which of course,led me to drink from the the "distrusting river" guiding me further & deeper to lie to him as a way to get revenge. Lying for NO reason. Only because I felt the need to do unto him, as he'd done unto me. It was beautiful. Revenge is one of my "best-est" friends! If you haven't met her,it's a must!

Any who, I feel when two people are in love,they aren't necessarily to be inseparable-though that may be one's desire. I want my guy to think of me constantly. Desire me,profusely. Be super affectionate,but not to where I'm being suffocated. I want civility in my romantic life,but of course,I need him to want the same. It's seemingly hard to find especially in the gay community. Men aren't viewed as monogamous or in touch with their emotions. Which create imaginary margins. For example,when two immature insecure beings come together and try to form a union trust becomes an issue. Jealousy becomes an issue. Love becomes an even bigger issue-"you don't love me,as much as I love you"..or "you don't need me as much as I need you". A saying I know all too well.. We've all encountered these trying times,but what can we do to resolve the issues we face? How do we trust "easier"? Love less hard? Or better yet, how do we bring these two to a level where there's a mutual understanding and respect for one an other's wishes and expectations? Idk..

How do we make it work?

No one knows.
But,who will put in the damn work to find out?

Recap of Friday unto Today..

As some of you may know,Mardi Gras here in New Orleans is one of the most important times of the year. So, this leading up to prom season keeps me pretty busy. This past weekend has been pretty interesting. On Friday,I had a hair appointment,which turned me into this crazed rock star. It's wonderful. I'll post a pic sooner than later for your viewing pleasure,lol. But,uh..let's see..ok,so Friday,like I said,I had a hair appointment,it's very haute (hot) words can't express..had to shop for a client who had a concert to attend..(lucky me)..I grabbed a tulip skirt in this really nice blue shade..we paired it with a beige studded tank from a local boutique and a pair of purple,black and grey Prada-esque platform and capped the look with a black leather jacket. To balance the hard/soft. Pretty nice. I must say.

She looked phenomenal.

Um,I went home and rested to anticipate the "Lover's Holiday"

-the one holiday I dread most of the year.

So, Saturday,my mom woke up about 9am,with a cute card and a box of Godiva white chocolate covered strawberries,which she'd dug into..

(it was suppose to be a dozen,let's just say when I got to it I had half of a dozen..)

She bribed me with sentiments and treats because she needed my help in her "big closet",as she calls it. (Remember the room that she turned into a closet? Yea..that one..) She wanted me to help RE-organize it. Mind you my mom has a shit load of clothing..it's not funny. By the end of the day,there was furniture delivered (from her beau), three totes of purses, four totes of shoes..and two EXTRA racks added to the walls for some other shit..and mind you this isn't including the clothing that's already hung upon the racks or the shoes that are on the shelves. I'm not complaining,of course..because that's her thing..my closet is filled to CAPACITY. I literally have to fight with my clothes to either put something in or take something out

(no exaggeration)

It's inevitable.

(sigh)

Anyway,so once we complete that task..we head out to have lunch and before we embark upon this shopping excursion. We grabbed a bite at this restaurant called "Dress It"..it's a burger joint. Really cute atmosphere. There's wonderful music playing and there are figures drawn on the windows flying with garments to dress the naked figures. It was nice.I had to run around the city pulling dresses for 4 clients for the Zulu ball on this Friday..I'd say,I was lucky enough to get about 12 dresses..different shapes,different sizes..shoes..hair pieces and a scarce selection of jewelry..I can't really pull SERIOUS jewels..they'll have to get those on their own..After we concluded the excursion,we headed to my dad's grave stayed there for a few and headed back to the house. We get to the house about 3p..as soon as we get settled in the house the doorbell rings,it's UPS. We rush to the door. I'd already been expecting something,so I knew it was for me. I get to the door and there are two large boxes for me. Both bouquets..One from DJ..I,of course, open his first. To my surprise,they're my favorite flowers Tulips. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I couldn't stop smiling. The second box was a box of Peruvian Lillie's & six red roses from JB. Which I found it shocking that he would even think of me on Valentines day,after our little spat last year. So,I contacted them both and thanked them for the beautiful flowers. One meant more than the other..which? I dare not tell. (lol) So,after all of that,I talked on the phone a bit and watched television until about 10p,my mother had a function to attend,so we headed out.

Sunday morning was the most interesting of them all. We woke up to go to church..which drove me insane. I'm really not into church like I use to be. It's too much like an organized cult..and I can't tolerate it,anymore.

Anyway,so..we attend the earliest service..as usual..8am..after service we mingle a bit and head to Sharon's place (Sharon is a client/church member) in Eastern New Orleans. Once we arrive,I immediately start to layout the pieces I'd pulled for the clients. It's only 5 of them, but you have to have choices..do you not?

Arriving one by one..some two & three..we started trying on the dresses and polaroid them..There were so many "oohs and ahas",I don't remember which one picked which,lol. So,we came to wonderful agreements and the dressing went beautifully. Of course,we faced some issues with the face charts,I'd created but,other than that..everything went smoothly. So,we left Sharon's to head back home to change for a party our church was throwing in honor of the new location being completed. So,we attend..I,of course,felt uncomfortable..I wore wide legged Citizens..a plaid shirt..khaki safari jacket..brown shoe..skinny belt to cinch my already tiny 26 inch waist..(jeez)..So,I had a ball. Enjoyed myself. After a while,I'd gotten the worst headache,so of course,my mood changed,but nonetheless..I enjoyed myself. After the service we went BACK home.

After we'd arrived home,I chatted with my friend Du Jon and Paris for a minute..then had to jump up for a little dinner/party that Eli had put together,since he'd broken up with boyfriend,he felt the need to rejoice and throw a "divorce party"-something I've only heard of with the ladies of Park Avenue. So,I ran into my closet and spent about an half of hour trying to find something to wear. So,I decided to dress it up but, not too much..I wore a cotton Ralph Lauren oxford under a black tuxedo jacket and a pair of skinny Cheap Monday's with my fantastic black pointed toe shoe..I arrived feeling fantastic. I didn't enjoy myself. I sat with Eli on the couch yip yapping about his boyfriend's wrong doing and how he was soo glad he didn't have to deal with that anymore..Of course,I agreed with him. It's wonderful being single..but,I'm actually on the verge of changing that! (lol)

There was white wine,which became my only friend at the party..I grabbed the bottle and sat it between my legs keeping my glass on full until there wasn't anymore. I sat there by MYSELF. No one talked to me. Many spoke to me. But,no one talked to me. Which was fine. Until Jody & Velle showed up! I went berserk! So,excited to see them. They're my friends from NY,so they understood my discomfort. We stood there laughing and talking about the other guests..how they were dressed in tee shirts,jeans and sneakers and we were all dressed up for the occasion..the invite did say "Singles Dinner"..lol,but whatever..Jody wore high LV sneakers, khaki cotton trousers,striped button down,bow tie and a brown leather bomber jacket..Velle wore a short jersey dress in jewel green..cinched her waist with a turquoise belt with a large gold buckle..and a pair of gold Gucci platforms..sick. They went crazy over my new hair and we spoke about how I need to get back to New York.. I concurred of course. We grabbed another bottle and Velle & I started dancing to music we would normally hate..until they played "Swagga Like Us" by MIA & the Rap Pack..(Jay,TI,Wayne,& Mr. West.). Then the attention was all on us..We were the most fashionable people in the place. Although Eli through the party.. he wasn't dressed that chic. (Sorry,E.) He wore black pants a black and white graphic tee under a striped cardigan and converse. It's your party. You should look fantastic. What the hell happened,E.?

Anyway,so Velle & Jo are here for Mardi Gras. They're originally from here,so they love it. Me? Not so much.

But,it's going to be great,I'm sure. So,they followed me home..my mom made them spend the night because it was soo late and there had been some sort of crime scene outside the subdivision. It was nuts. If I hadn't been so toasted,I probably would have paid more attention.

Today..Monday..it's a Monday,what can I say? I woke up at about 7a..Jody & Velle were gone. They left a note telling me what hotel they're staying in and for me to call them if I wanted to hook up later. I'm so exhausted. It's been a crazy weekend..It's crazy that I get to rest on the weekdays..normally,weekends are the mellowest of times..

Let's see what the week has in store..

Jay Lee says it's going to be a "Blahhhh" week..

I certainly hope not. I have a new cut,for crying out loud!

Cheers!

My Definition of Love by Andrew Marvell

My love is of a birth as rare

As 'tis for object strange and high:

It was begotten by despair

Upon impossibility.



Magnanimous despair alone.

Could show me so divine a thing,

Where feeble hope could ne'er have flown

But,vainly flapped it's tinsel wing.



And,yet I quickly might arrive

Where my extended soul is fixed,

But,fate does iron wedges drive,

And always crowds itself betwixt.



For fate with jealous eye does see

Two perfect loves,nor lets them close:

Their union would her ruin be,

And her tyrannic power depose.



And therefore her decrees of steel

Us as the distant poles have placed,

(though love's whole world on us doth wheel)

Not by themselves to be embraced,



Unless the giddy heaven fall,

And earth some new convulsion tear;

And,us to join,the world should all

Be cramped into a planisphere.



As lines (so loves) oblique may well

Themselves in every angle greet:

But ours so truly parallel,

Though infinite,can never meet.



Therefore the love which us doth bind,

But Fate so enviously debars,

Is the conjunction of the mind,

And opposition of the stars.

Where,oh,where has Fidelity gone??

-My social circle consists of four or five guys. Some single to mingle. Some chained & strained. I am the "Go To" friend. The one everyone comes to when they're either in a rut..need a "pick me up"..or just need someone to vent to. Today was a busy day for me. Ultra busy actually..I had to wake up at 7a..had a meeting at 8:30a with yet another Financier..from 8:30a until about 12:30p, I ripped and ran to and from different buildings down in the business district..wearing black skinny jeans,this Calvin Tran striped shirt,under a brown & grey wool blazer..pointy toed brogues..ultra pointed black shoe with a hard sole,of course and my extra heavy carry-all..

(contents: 6 magazines,2 books,a notebook,agenda,2 wallets,vitamins, a water bottle,fragrance bottle and 2 pairs of sunglasses..shut up.)

So,I had a pretty "heavy" day..It was interesting,because my mom kept nagging me, asking if my feet were ok..of course,I was fine..I answered,"Just like,ladies walk around in 5 inch heels,effortlessly..this is what I do." Lol,Beauty is pain..there's no doubt about that. Anyway,after the b.s. meetings,I had a skincare appointment at 1:40p..so,we run over to StarFucks, grab a Chai Latte and head to Calvin's office..for a FOTOfacial..$190 bucks..(worth it.)
--After this two hour relaxation period,we're hungry and we stop into "Dress It", a great little restaurant to have a burger..I order my favorite cranberry and almond salad with warm goats cheese and a fattening coke..my mom orders a medium well steak and a baked potato..I opted against it..but,you know,that's what she wants..she's treating, so why bitch? Right. Anyway, I come home..kick my shoes off..grab the computer and sign on to yahoo msgr..what do I get? Msgs from two friends..both dealing with relationship turmoil. What a crock (sigh)?

Friend #1: Eli, the top in the relationship,feels his significant other is cheating. Interesting. I'm Dr. Phil or Oprah..maybe Tyra..Idk..I ask for details. He explains,he was sitting at the computer to do some work..he heard the boyfriends computers instant msgs going off..
(hmm....someone didn't sign out,properly!)
So,he reads the msgs and there it was. Msgs and a vulgar picture share. Interesting. Eli is a professional.Restaurateur-to-be. So,he travels alot and feels his partner should feel so lucky to be with him..because he's well taken care of..showered with luxurious gifts and travels..and drives one of Eli's two vehicles..But,apparently that's not enough for said "lover".. I ask if he's affectionate..does he meet the needs..he tells me they're relationship seemed "fine".

Of course, it's a wonderful subject to speak on,because I'd just watched Oprah on yesterday and it was focusing on infidelity. So,I feel I have a little insight on this sort of thing..besides,everyone feels they can speak to me,because I've been through this soo many times. I used to feel ridiculed when asked for advice on that subject, but we can't always feel attacked..especially, when we work in an industry where most of our clients need our help (winks).

So,I explain to Eli that this is common with relationships..mostly prominent in the gay community. It's going to happen. More than likely,when asked about the photo's he's going to respond by saying,"I took them for you",which will be a lie obviously,because you'd never received them. I personally would have broken his computer..especially if it was purchased with one of my pennies..so,that's that. You have to go into the situation with an open mind. He's having a long distance relationship with some guy in cyberspace..when you two are both having a relationship that's primarily long distance-i.e.; days away from home,the distant attitude, he has no job..but,he's always ripping and running the streets..it's either you're not doing your job in the boyfriend department properly or dude is simply using you for all you've got. It's simple. Get it together. Is the relationship worth salvaging? Think on it..let me know what you come to.
He answers "ok" with the kiss smiley face..we close our window..(Pop!) Here he is again.. "Why didn't you and I date?" I literally laugh out loud and minimize the window.

Friend #2: Perry. Perry. Perry...My friend Perry is an up & coming model. We became friends in New York..it was interesting. Beautiful in fact,the way the friendship blossomed. He crushed on me at first..but,clearly we were meant to be "sisters"(lol). He's having issues with his boyfriend who received a text msg from another guy saying "Yo,what's good?" He freaks out. He wants to text the guy and try and get him to expose the relationship he shares with the bf. I explain to him,it's not his duty to contact the boy. You confront your man. If the situation gets out of hand where you feel you're not being respected,then you contact the young man and inform him of the "situation" at hand. Hopefully things will be clarified. Of course,it's going to be difficult but,it's nothing major. You went into a relationship with a guy who has fidelity issues and it's not always easy to face the truth..but,it's beneficial beyond belief. You have to do what you have to do for YOU.

I'm sitting here thinking over all the issues I've faced and it's not really as harsh as I figured it would be. I sat fighting the thoughts..trying to prevent going down that road,but it's easier now.
When you're "ok" with yourself..then,you'll find it easier to face hardships and get over them. I look at my circle and I see Carrie,Samantha,Miranda and Charlotte. I, of course,identify with Mrs. Bradshaw,her eclectic fashion sense..her toleration level..how she keeps her private life very private..her yearning for a civil & grounded relationship..her unfulfilling encounters with guys..having dealt off & on with a certain someone..that have driven me to the edge and is forcing me to jump. Samantha would be either Eugie,Darryl or LC..LC's fashion sense...Darryl's no nonsense attitude/behavior.. and how he's free to be sexual and have no remorse or hold any ties to guys..it's just his nature. I'm not judging..it's his/her way of life. Charlotte is Eugie..WHo Charlotte would be,Idk..Miranda is either Eli or Bud.(lol)
-But,it's slowly occurring to me that certain things are meant to be the way they've always been. Some people just aren't relationship people..
I wonder:
Is fidelity a lost kid and unable to be found?
What happened to monogamous relationships? Even in the relationships of Pastors and they're wives,monogamy seems to be absent. That's soo odd to me. I just don't get it.

My baby's name is Fidelity..have you seen him?

Another day in the life..

Today has been a pretty serious day..

-Can we say EXHAUSTED? I'm literally slugging around. Domenic, a photographer and mentor of mine flew in from DC yesterday and we had a shoot scheduled at 9am this morning..two female models..seven looks (make up and wardrobe)..lunch with a few salon owners in the area- because Domenic is thinking of buying property here to open a Salon/Spa-then,back to shooting.

-I had a meeting with an official "Bridezilla" at 8a, which was absolutely pointless..(she just wanted to inform everyone-at 8am-that she'd changed the color of the dresses two wks before the wedding),mind you,I didn't need to be there,she could have emailed me this information...but,if you're a gay male,you know and understand how it is with females when they get super clingy and all "friendy friend friend" with you,lol..I'm just the make up artist..I designed your wedding dress..if the meeting had nothing to do with my recieving of the other 50%,pay for rendering the service, then you shouldn't have requested that I attend this "meeting".

--Anyway, so I went to bed late..woke up at 4:18am..thinking, it was time for me to wake up..it wasn't..so,I tried to go back to sleep. Couldn't. Mind you,I've been suffering with a minor head cold..major sinus pressure..so excruciating to the point where when I blink,my eyes hurt and they begin to water!! That's never happened to me before! So,you can imagine my discomfort.

-But,back to my day..oh and by the way,I'm not complaining..Just wanna talk about my day. Since I have no one else to talk to..why can't I talk to you?? Ok..so,I made a stupid decision this morning..as I stood in my closet for 27 minutes,trying to find something to wear..when I could have easily slid on a pair of jeans and my ex's hoodie..right? Well,I'm officially an idiot. I opt for a pair of skinny dark blue jeans (size 26)..not uncomfortable..but,not the most comfortable to work in all day..especially when they're tighter around my shins..the MBIB tour tee shirt, the hoodie under my Marc seersucker tracket..and a pair of fucking boots. A pair of vintage flat riding boots,with a wooden sole..I'd gotten from New York Vintage..I normally wear two pairs of socks with them..but,since I was operating on close to NO hours of sleep..I grabbed them from the top of my closet and headed to the car. Allow me to explain these boots..they reach mid shin..they're butterscotch leather..very soft..I had to have them because the toe was scratchy and they have this leather braid detail strap up the sides..I died (D.I.E.) when I saw them,lol! I need you imagine my discomfort..like,I'm wearing sweat pants and my UGG boots and they're agitating my feet..so,we're walking around the loft space..we go to different hotels to shoot..we stand on the rooftops..we walk on pebble roads (uncomfortable)..I'm standing up to do a face..to clothe the models..I'm standing there to assist Domenic with reflectors and props and shit..[keep in mind,I'm not complaining]..I was just working my ass off..I'm sure I lost about twenty thousand centimeters off of my waist& shins..just by standing there and walking and bending and picking up brushes..clamping extra fabric..[I'm babbling..]

Fave look from 1st girl: Mustard cowl neck knit sleeveless top,black high waist pencil,black leather harness buckle belt and an electric BLUE peep toe mary jane...dark lip..soft eye..

Fave look from 2nd girl: Black blazer (beautifully cut),grey & pink flannel shirt (oversized) worn over grey thermal pants and black pumps..brwn,blk & white leather belt (indian inspired) and the icing on the cake was the pearl beaded neckpeice that added the extra "oomph",I needed..hair pulled back..pale lip..strong eye..

I'M GREAT AT WHAT I DO.

(damn,I wish I had underlined this..)

-Ok,so I get home at 9:48p..instead of getting in the shower or even being close to relaxing,I have to wait for two clients to come to the house and have their faces done for a Mardi Gras ball on tonight..so,I wait and wait and wait for them..they don't get to me until 11:05p..by that time I'm pissed..annoyed..AND TIRED! Oh,gawd. So,I finish they're faces and I have to do my mother's make up for a party she's been invited to last minute..so,now..I'm even more pissed..but,she looked absolutely amazing at the end of the session. So,I was pleased.,nonetheless..and even if I'd taken mud and smudged it all over her forehead tribal style,I'm sure she would sport it and look fabulous..feel fabulous and love it because I did it. Lol. She looked amazing. After all that..I was inspired..so,I run into her closet.. (actually,it was a room specified for family room..)..so,I run into her closet..aaaallll the way to the back to her gowns and pull out a gown she purchased when he attended the Grammy's in 2003 but,had never worn..from where? Where else? New York Vintage. Givenchy archive..black lace with satin band around waist..giving that wasp appeal..deep v neck..scoop in back..Gorgeous.
--It's so funny,because when she purchased the dress,I didn't really appreciate it..but,I was in high school..I had been exposed to fashion but,I was only accepting what I felt was fashionable..so,we accessorized with diamond jewelry..an antique watch,her grandmother left her..and a few bracelets toppling over the right wrist. Yeah,so now..I'm sitting here blogging..bored..with noone to talk to..when I should be out partying with Domenic,Lisa and her husband..but,we all are so fatigued,it's ridiculous.

And,I'M SKINNY!!! I shouldn't be this worn out..

I wish I'd come home to a man..with a meal cooked..he sitting on the couch watching ESPN..
I walk through the door and he looks at me and smiles..
Gets up,helps me with my things..
I sit on the couch next to him and he takes off my shoes to massage my feet as I tell him about my day..
Then,kisses my forehead when I fall asleep in mid sentence.
He lets me rest for a while..but,then-
He scoops me up and carries me to bed..
Then,he goes back to the LR to finish watching the game,lol.

Yeah,I want that..
Until then,you know what I'll opt for.. don't cha?

Where's that VODKA?




Until next time..

Left Turn Here.

Quiet times consists of lying in bed, holding my pillow while staring at my chocolate and mauve painted walls thinking of how I can break away. Today was interesting. I cried. It's been so very long since the last "good" cry..but today, I cried like,actually cried...

Lucky me.

As I said,it's been such a long time since tears have actually streamed down my face. These tears strolled down my face and fell into my palms and into my lap. Normally,I don't cry. When I try to cry my eyes well and "cup" my eye. I'm not sure why things seem the way they do at this point in my life,I just woke up feeling alone thinking that I would probably grow older becoming this bitter lonely elderly gay guy,wearing skinned boots and floor length furs to comfort me..because that all I have..dying of loneliness. Constantly talking about what I use to be. Envious of the "now". Here they are,again..the tears. Would you like to know something? I'm actually soothed & comforted by these tears. They're the only things in my life that remind me that I'm only human. I can and will make mistakes and they're the reassurance that any circumstance I'm in is only temporary. I don't normally show emotion so of course,when these times come,I analyze them deeply.

I woke up this morning to an empty house. Facing my editorial plastered closet doors. I lay there for the bit. Mind vacant. Embracing the sound of nothingness. Listening to the wind as it rustles the leaves on the baby palm outside my window. I embrace the feeling of nothingness. Noone lying next to me. Noone. I roll over,grab my pillow and hold it close..imagining it being someone..anyone..but,there's only one heartbeat (boom,boom..boom,boom..). Just. Me.
Vacancy resides..(sigh)..where's the irony in that,right?
All day..I lay under the covers..until Tootie scratches at my door to go outside..
Until about 7p..because the Grammy's are coming on..

Where's the wine?

Ending before it begins..

My life is falling apart. I'm starting a business; for which I have no financial backers. Hardly any real friends to rely on. Apprehension revolves around the thought of asking family for it..therefore, I have nothing. I don't have anything to really "talk" about..I can only do so much blogging about this crap..but,I'd warned you that I would wind up blogging on topics that deal with love and other "psycho chick babble",as my ex calls it..

When I initiated this blogging site,there was a lot of discombobulated thoughts. What should I blog about? Will anyone ever read any of my postings? How will I come off to the readers?

With the amazing things I've done in my career,shouldn't I have more to blog about??

Many people feels this makes me more approachable. Realistic. Not as high strung as some of these other characters that blog about things that are totally out of whack,some with absolutely no point at all...

-In the beginning,a friend of mine spoke to me about blogging about my life..my designer wardrobe(I don't know why? I guess, to make people think, I'm superior),but I wanted this to be introspective and honest,just as I'd always intended. No exaggeration- the ideas proposed temptation. Thinking, "Maybe I should give the kids something to read about"..truth is,I have much more going on with me,than the linens and skins I purchase.

So,I'd rather not. I'd rather you get to know the real me.

I don't enjoy people knowing what designer I'm wearing. Putting tabs on my wardrobe is as tacky as a young lady shabbily dressed..undergarments exposed...shoes not her size..and some sort of belly baring top..(eh!). All that craziness does for me is leave mental luggage stuffed with bullshit and a rapport that's not very appealing to readers,clientele..uh, anyone for that matter.

On the romantic note,I'm speaking to an ex-boyfriend and it's really bringing me to a level of great discomfort. We had one of our "usual" confrontations the other night and I'm like,how could we possibly get back together if you're acting like a kid and you know I don't have the toleration needed in that department. Especially after being trampled and cheating on..do we find this ethical at all to go back in this direction? (Not really.) No one knows of this um,we'll call it, "re-association"..I have been warned a plethora of times in the past by friends and family members..warning that he'll do this and he'll do that..and it's so amazing how your mother knows things,because everything she told me he would do..he did. And,now..that I'm speaking to him again,she's a little eerie about it. Always giving me this eye,like.."Don't be foolish." So,it's pretty difficult to see past the drama and b.s. and see a clear future. I deliberately defied my family and friends' warnings. More often,I defied my mind.

A simple fool in love,I called myself repetitively..

Well,he's trying to convince me that it's only me. He has no other love interests. He's putting forth the effort to be faithful and so on and so forth. He uses this "I don't care" shitty ass response when asked if he's bothered or tattered by something..and honestly,that's how the saga began. But,he says,he's trying to be better. Better?

Does your shitty promises alleviate the two years of stress,tears and heartache? What about the two years of feeling inadequate? If I recall,I was the one that talked you off the ledge of the Hudson River,playing the propositus character when family wasn't there..the one who stood beside you encouraging you..

(even after you indulged in the C character..the B character..the M character..Gosh,I wish I wasn't such an elephant) It's driving me back to that state of mind,where I'm like,"Fuck it and everything IT entails ". The state of mind I have the right to adopt again. And,what's worst? This is a situation I can change. I left him for months at a time..almost a year..investing in prolific time for me. And,as much as,I would say I believe him and I trust him..it's all lies. I don't. I just don't want to cause any discomfort for him..but,what the deuce? How dare I take in consideration someone that didn't really consider the heart that was handed to him. Foolishly handed, but handed nonetheless.

So,that's where I am. Stuck between love and a hard place..

Emotionally fucked up. Unable to trust. Anyone that has dealt with a Virgo,knows and understands if you betray our trust once,you don't get it back easily. Case closed.

I don't enjoy being this way. I wish I was easy going and vulnerable...but,thankfully,I'm not.

I'm distraught. I don't need this..especially starting a business..I need a clear head and financial backers!!!

Where's that vodka?

My Favorite Things.

Fave place to shop:
Local thrift shops,Marc Jacobs in New York, Bloomingdales & Saks on Fifth, Gucci..

Book I'm reading now:
"the God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy and Gay Love Poetry from the English Renaissance times

Greatest Bargain Stores:
Screaming MiMi's & Opening Ceremony in New York
Local Consignment stores & local flea markets..

Albums I'm Listening To:
"On a Clear Night",Missy Higgins
"808 & Heartbreak", Kanye West
"Coming to Terms",Carolina Liar

Beloved Restaurants:
MILA & Cuvee's in New Orleans,La.
Gotham Bar & Grill in New York
Local Pizza parlors in Manhattan
Geisha House in LA
Spice Bar in ATL
Blackbird in Chicago

Best Place to Hear Music:
French Quarter's in New Orleans,La
Village Underground in New York

Best Bet in a last minute for party outfit:
Friends closet..Grandparents jewelry box..
If permitted the time,I may run into Brooks Brother's for a nice button down & Bloomie's for a shoe..

Fave Place to Watch a Flick:
Family's home theater..
IFC theater's around the world.

Have to Have Beauty Treatments:
Mint Mud Masks
Monthly Evian bath
Athletic/Sports Massage
Spa Mani & Pedi

If left on an island alone,3 items I have to have:
Lip conditioner, aloe vera, and lots and lots of water!

Idea of "Fashionable":
Well tailored clothing,LOOKING expensive & well put together.
Being yourself.

Inspiration:
Revenge.

Morning Shot of Vodka.. (cont..)

Lonely..
Like the corridors of my mind.
Misted..brown eyes drowning.
Eyes that once saw the way things could be.
Faded memories.
Of the smiles we left behind.
Smiles we shared when we said "I love you"..
Loved for being just who we are.
I thought our love would last forever..
I dreamed of living the dream I've held tightly to for years..
Loving who I am..letting go of who I was.
Anticipating who I am to become.
You accept me. You allow change.
You and I become "We"..
Fear scurries in.
Fear of the mutilated losses.
Anticipating the gain..
Expecting you to sooth past & future heartache.
Didn't realize the present pain..What's worst?
I don't feel I have a heart to give you..
It's gone,chief..
"Gone" is a place I long to be.
We often spoke about that,remember?
How nothing matters.
Nothing ever mattered but,our love.
Love shared. Love learned. Love lost.
Uncompromising. Everlasting.
Inevitable. Contingent.
Surfaced and hallow..
Real love.
Civil & chaotic.
Broken.
Immediately restored.
Real love.
I taste it. Tastes like, the sweetest merlot..
Romantic like, the enchanting Grecian skies,my grandfather speaks of..
Lively like,the soundtrack of New Yorks Burroughs,I've marched to.
I realize to Love is to Live.
To Love you. To Live for us.
I glance left.
My nightstand. Your photo.
You say it was taken for me..
Worry broods.
Questions blossom.
Truth subsides.
Did you ever really love me?

Leave your answer after the beep..

*Beep

Valentine's Day's Coming..(oh,gawd)

I have been on this "blogging black out" for a few days now..and honestly,I didn't know where to start. Thankfully,I consulted a new friend of mine-one of those marvelous,creative people I spoke about before-here's the result (Thanks JayLee,you're a lamb!).

--Woke up yesterday morning at about 7am..got up..brushed my teeth..ran to kitchen to make some coffee. After shower,grabbed a cup of coffee..and went out to the backyard to sit on our unfinished deck with my Tootie, my mini ShihTzu..As I sat there looking over the rambunctious collage of trees and high grass over our gate,I began to dread the arrival of Valentines Day..(scary horror flick music breaks in)...

As I go in retrospect,I've had only one (uno) great Valentine's Day..which consisted of french cuisine the night before..3 dozen roses..an Orchid, I'd named "Orchie",lol..a stuffed bear that said,"I love you" named "Bubba"..some Godiva chocolate covered strawberries..and a pair of jeans (I'm a denim fanatic!) It was beautiful. We spent the weekend prior in a wonderful hotel..and we both had massages and a milk bath..(which was rather interesting,because I got out with my skin feeling absolutely no different? Maybe we should have done the Ritz,instead..)

--We broke up 5 days later.
Found out he was a cheater..lol.
What a crock..(sigh)

--What now? Tears. I swipe the left cheek. Then,the right cheek..More tears. I've experienced more heartbreak than,it's been mentioned around the world,it seems. I can't take another "Lover's holiday" without a lover. No candy. No card. No bouquet. No forehead kiss. No kiss at the tip of my nose. It's not my style..Although,I'm embellished in this "I"m single & I'm fabulous" facade..(sigh,again) Chugs down the coffee..Goes inside and falls asleep until 5p..

--->This morning,I wake up and think,let's drown our sorrow with alcoholic beverages. We have a cabinet filled with tacky,gross "likkah"..Southern Comfort? (wtf is that?)Vodka..(ooh,let's not) Never mind. I wouldn't like to get wasted..Maybe I should read..watch a horror film..play dress up..Idk..

Vodka,it is..

So,the time is now..1:48pm..lol,I'm a bit toasty..feeling sexy..poetic..and did I mention sexy? What about poetic?

Next blog..