Comply to these rules of the following for an ethical life.
- Never need praise,approval or sympathy.
- Be your own advisor.
- Keep your own counsel.
- Select your own decisions.
- Trust yourself first.
-Scientology Code of Honor,L. Ron Hubbard
--Honestly,I'm contemplating committing myself into a rehabilitation facility to help me rid myself of the depression, anxietic & emotional issues I face. I've got to get this situation under wraps. I have to do a self evaluation..maybe it would be a wise decision for me.
--Accosting a very stagnate period in my life, only to have it magnified by the media (i.e. Queer Society) and dealing with it, I'm doing better than ever. I'm on this quest to learn to lose friends and alienate people. I'm embarking upon an introspective endeavor this year. .learning more and more about myself and what to do with these perpetually uncomfortable charactistics. Being enormously co-dependent nor taking care of myself emotionally. Not expressing my anger or discomfort. I spent a large time in my life being told where to stand, how to stand and what to do. It definitely breeds the kind of person who's dependent upon other people's approval. I'm learning if I trust myself and had listened to myself all the times I'd ignored myself,I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm currently repelling. The sense that you are an outsider can be an especially lonely enterprise because the longing for acceptance and approval is enormously powerful. We rarely acknowledge the magnetic pull of this longing once we pass the trials of adolescence, but it affects all of us as we venture thrugh our lives. I've exasperatedly trying to make conscious and wise decisions to choose integrity over the cloying comfort of conformance and even more so to recognize that I am not an outsider, that my principled stance has propelled me to the center of a controversial place where I am respected, if not admired.
--Everyone has to learn their lesson..I'm trying to learn mine. I have been doing alot of reading since the commencement of the year and I'm doing alot of self searching. Excercizing profusely-an endeavor that has my abs in excruciating pain-I haven't smoked in a month..I've been replacing my urge to smoke or scream with jogging, an excessive number of crunches & push ups for an hour. It's a great stress relief.
--Things are looking beautiful in the romantic..until recently.. DJ came along. He always makes his sporadic appearances when I'm dating someone new and attempts to taint my focus. (ie,uncomfortable place) Though he has an inexplicable hold on my heart,I am not by any means,trying to move backwards. I have no desire to place myself in a position where I doubt my ability to be a great spouse. It's incredible how he affects my focus. But, this young man loves me-inspite of all my flaws. Which means more to me than anything,I've ever had in my entire life. Nevertheless,I sustain with Roland. Trying to try something new. Something fresh. It's difficult to wanna be with a guy..let alone the right guy.
-->New Year. New love affair? Who knows?
I've read:
"Passion is not an event, but an energy; and it's an energy that exists in all of us,all the time."
-Derrick Bell,Ethical Ambitions.
I continue to ask myself, "What is my purpose on this planet?" I often get to the point where I have to question my existence when faced with such stagnancy. I blame people and certain positions for my karmic disposition. When I should be working tirelessly to change my position. Constantly bickering about being in New Orleans bringing about this state of "penguin-esque" behavior..(ie unable to fly,as I incessantly dream).
-Although this may be true and very uncomfortable,I'm taking the responsibility for my lack of a life and enthusiasm. My passion and creative energy has been depleted..as well as,my funds..so,I've applied to work in a local fuckfaced gift shop to see what will happen. Got the interview. No call back. How devastating? When I've reached out,aimlessly, trying to lead a more reformed life. Dealing exclusively with what happens, where I am..and understanding that wherever I go. Here I am. It's my thought process that corrupts my movement. It's hard to break a pattern that have cultivated for years and years..and the breaking of this pattern will strengthen my ability to reverse my karma. Which I hold strongly to my Karmic belief. I've also decided to research Gnostic Gospels (from the Greek ,reflective knowledge & insight). I find value and strong adherence to Gnostics, which is an early Christian sect who accepted the word but,interpreted it differently. From a startlingly perspective on early Christianity,describing many of the people and events found in the New Testament.
Gnsotics: literally,"Straight Thinking"
Don't hold my views against me. I believe what I believe. I was brought up in a Christian home. Being told to believe that somewhere beyond the sky,there's a huge white mansion with enough rooms for the entire world to occupy..I just don't get it. I'm a Christian, but I guess,I just don't believe in the same things a Christian is said to believe. The virgin birth,the miracles, the resurrection. I even have trouble with imagining God as a supernatural being who controls all that happens in the world,punishing evil and rewarding good. I wanted to believe but,I can't fake it for purposes of fire insurance. I'm trying to lead an ethical life and ethical people want nothing to do with organized religion. It's faith that provides me emotional fuel,the kinetic connection to ther other elements of my character. Exploring my own evolving understanding of how my faith serves as the foundation of my effort to live and ethical life,I stand firmly in this affirmation. Christmas and Easter are still respected holidays..but,some of you readers have to get real. I'm not an Atheist..I swear. I'm a realist. All of my life, I have been swept along,lifted up really,by the sense that I was part of a religious tradition that earned salvation by doing good works, trying to live a good life. My belief in Christ does not limit me to Christian doctrine. What most attracted me to the teachings was his courage and his vision of radical inclusiveness. They speak on the exclusion of homosexuality but,they fail to realize that Jesus' teachings were revelatory and revolutionary.Christianity should embrace, not exclude. Okay..Okay..I'm done..I swear.
I'll conclude that particular topic...as a matter of fact,I'll conclude the blog all together with Jesus's request before crucifixion:
Do not lie. Do not do what you hate.
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