Taking a bite of the Big Apple

-I've never longed for anything other the liberty you propose. I grew up in a world where I was allowed to simply be myself..I could never fathom an identical sense of belonging and individuality any place afar from myMother. Lo' and behold,I discovered that in you. You permitted creative freedom,elusive dreams,concrete foundation..stronger sense of self. You magnified the equation:

• Hardwork x Struggle equal's Leisure

Evidently,I enjoyed the leisure..I now realize the struggle is what made the grasping of leisure possible. I have considered the west coast..I have considered over seas..but,noone grants me the beauty of being myself,as you do. Thank you. I adore you.

-You contributed optimized goals and the realization of dreams. Friends who encourage and furnish your life with such creative strength. I can't thank you enough. For every acquired friendship,every enemy..I'm thankful for. The inspiration you delegate,I couldn't possibly set afire..it's crazy the love I have for you!

-You allowed me to simply be myself and that's the dream I've realized. Thank you.

-->Allow me the opportunity to extend the information lacking..When I stepped off the plane,I felt closer to home than I've ever felt and I'd flown 1700 miles from my hometown. I've never felt the need to return to there-although I'm here now-I never had the desire to come back to this dreadful city. Now,as I prepare to head back..I have a new profound respect for the city and the people in the city. The people actually making it. Not those "faking it,until they make it". I have never felt so empowered the way I did when I was in New York. This time around,it's going to be different. I'm inspired by many of the people I've come in contact with. These marvelous ladies & gentlemen are talented beyond belief. I can't wait to connect with them on creative levels.
Taking you to another level.

[no passengers on my plane]

See you when I get home..

-NYC Bound

Jeez...not another posting,huh J?

--I'm pleased that I can heed maturity in my life. I had been in a disheveled state of mind for a very long,uncomfortable time and thankfully..I'm at a place where I'm comfortable and actually enjoying where I am..i.e. spiritually,mentally,physically..(jeez).

--My body is in an amazing condition..beautifully sculptured due to the hectic workout regime,I've been getting into. I'm sitting here in a state of inexplicable complacency. I was apprehensive to use that particular term but,I'm fine with it. I left thinking that my blogging was done..but,I was called back to the desk. Ok..I'm gorgeous. I don't have the best attitude..I don't really tend to the nonsense that people have spoken about me. I'm constantly ensconced with threads,which I define my personal sense of style..without consent of anything or anyone.

--I'm the outlandish exponent. Brilliant in my own right..and many of yours. The independent variable. Most importantly,single. And,the happiest,I've been..I've reached an optimism,that I'd been lacking..I'm loving the change in my state of being. Once you become content with your life..where it is..and realizing that the uncomfortable states are often just "processes".

--I've spoken relentlessly on the building of relationships with certain people,thinking that something would come out of it..recent times, I've attempted to indulge in a certain someone..and I continue to get the run around. Now that I'm bringing this mild "verse/chapter" to an end,I'm comfortable enough to say..regardless of what the nigga tells you,you have to clearly understand that these cats are full of shit..and that comes from the guy who holds the worst judgement of men. Lol. When I'm actually willing to give myself to someone they always give you this run around. I've always felt as though I am simply that "bitch you wine & dine".

--So,when I arrive in New York,I'll be free. Free to date..if I would like to date..free to do what I want. My focus is mainly working,getting paid and just getting further in my career.

--Coming with? You know,I'll be celebrating two years of fabulous "singledom"..and why not bring that celebration to New York? It's crazy. No more DJ..R...Shawn..Derrick..noone. Although, I do sometimes wish I would be brought back to the arms of JC..I won't front,lol. I do. But, you know,I've got me..and it's beautiful.

--I'm losing friends and alienating people..and it's never been so beautiful. I'm disassociating myself from "yes" people..strengthening my focus. Because to have my vision..share my vision..and stick with my vision is mainly the zenith of my life's endeavors. In recent cases,I've realized that I'm a loner. It can be uncomfortable at times,but it comes with being soo protective and eerie about who and what should be in my surroundings..social circle..etc..because it's the people you associate yourself with that defines where you're going and how you'll get there.

--In the case of my return,I'll be able to ignore the naysayers and defy the avarice to receive others approvals. It's inevitable..arriving in a new place..surrounded by new people..but, we live and learn,that's the blessing about having life. Me being in a state of uncomfortable misery or what I modified as such was only a test..and that particular tests are presented to me from God to see if I actually believe in myself. Will I stay focused? I was deprived of my vision being fulfilled at first and I sort of gave up..but,this time around..I'll do whatever it takes to stay focused and keeping those around me focused. I'm eradicating the pollution we call "Negativity",I truly am,because it was the negative atmosphere that polluted the purity of my mind & body. It's an inevitable part of being. Learning to not worry so much,which is also an inevitability..be it I'm a Virgo and that's what we do..we're natural worriers..(how unfortunate?) Maybe I should invest in an evil eye bracelet or necklace,right? I have to get my shit in order,this time around..and more than ever,I'll be stronger..more brilliant..and more receptive to everything around me. Because where I am is where I'll be..if I don't change my thinking pattern...which provokes a similar behavior pattern..and behavior patterns produce similar actions..and that's not what I'm about,any longer. I'm inspired. I'm constantly reminded even more so now..that regardless of what position I hold,I'm going to be defined by those I surround myself with. I want to be around people who see the world as I see it..

"if you choose to be around spiritual,hardworking,giving people..you'll be a spiritual,hardworking person who's always receiving gifts.."

-Russell Simmons

I'm changing. Growing. Propelling.

Coming with?

Hey,self? We're always on display..let's run & hide.

Back to the Big Apple,Bitch..Jeez..

I'm such an amazing guy. Things are going to be greater this time around. No more drama and pessimism. I am excited about my return. I spent a year away from everything that had become so familiar and strengthening here in New Orleans and it's about that time I return.

-I have absolutely no desire to sit here and remain miserable,lol..wouldn't you consider such a strong transition? I can't wait to get back on my nyc shit. Back to my lovely family..my beautiful barbie and kens! The lovely transportation system..which isn't so lovely but,it's something I miss profusely. I can't wait to have a put together a lunch with my friends. Which I know will be absolutely wonderful! Mo,ShaVelle,Lunden,Eugene,LaFaye,Jessica,Goldie,Valente,LaQuan and so many people that helped make New York home for me. Isn't it amazing to me how you're originally from some place,but you feel as though you don't truly belong? I have an opportunity to get a job that presents the most awesome offer to me. I truly can't wait.
-To be able to just live according to how I want to live.
And,have my career go in the direction in which it was intended..The photography is greater..the models are better..the industry is stronger. I'm so fucking inspired by this..and let's not forget about the partying!?! Geez..I'm going to go ballistic. Partying my ass off..getting back into the game. Making a name for myself. Making it happen with my friends..taking the world by storm..because truthfully,this fashion game is ours.
-I've become so introspective this year. Applying the laws of success and love to my life. Making it evident to everyone around me..Surrounding myself with the right people. Getting up and out making shit happen that only I know New York can bring..I can't even focus on the topic at hand. I can't really babble on and on the topic "What New York does for me..",it's really inexplicable. I have become this entirely new person. I won't party unless it's to do with networking and strengthening my career. I don't have time to sit around and party with the lame late queens..I want to surround myself with the beautiful, sociable New Yorkers. Up & Coming designers...agencies..everyone that makes shit happen in their world so they can assist me in making things happen in my world. It's astonishing..just thinking of the changes that it will bring.
-My focus is broadened and now I know and understand what is required of me to actually make it. I have renewed my focused...focused on my focus and now I can clearly see my goal and make way down this incredible journey of mine.

New York is mine..Coming with?

Be More. Give More (collectively,that is..)

Today was quite interesting..from beginning to end,truthfully.

I have soo much on my brain. Insanity would be the proper modification for the state I'm in. Nothing negative..oh,dear..it's nothing negative..it's just chaos pertaining [net]working. I attended a beauty event at Saks,yesterday with R.,and it's been quite interesting hanging out with him. He's been pushing,pushing,pushing me to do more and give more and that's what I've been trying to do. Be more. Give more. I'm ensconced in soo much "better yourself" literature..it's chaotic but,so enlightening... I'm currently reading three books at the same time..and as difficult as I thought it to be..it's really,really not that bad.

[shrug]

- So,ReVive had a beauty event at Saks and R. and I were invited by LaToya,a friend of his..client of mine. We arrived..we were seated on this VIP-esque sofa and drank martini's and chardonnay..R. purchased a few items for us to experiment with..a cleanser and aloe based toner $150..and a $250 micro-dermabrasion system. Great. Oh,shit..let's not forget the serum..I started my experiment this morning..I used my usual cleanser and I used the moisturizing serum. It's great. It polishes. It's not Pat Wexler..but,it's pretty good stuff. Lots of my clients use Patricia Wexler's skincare products and it works beautifully..but,this product is worth endorsing. Indubitably.

-So,anyway..we checked out a new little sneaker store and headed to do a rehearsal and we headed home so,he could pack for a ceremony he was scheduled to attend over the weekend. After I sang my darling friend to sleep...I sat in the bed in the dark staring at the ceiling,mind consumed with thoughts of a changed life..actually making a name for myself in my city,something I'd expected to be done..but,didn't know quite where to start. So,anywho..I started to concoct make up ideas for the inauguration ball on Tuesday,being thrown by LaToya & her friend Tammy. I started to think of a life ever changed due to networking at this event. Thoughts then,switched over to the opportunity of being brought into the studio and making things happen with my voice..

(which is something I've dreamed of since I was a kid..pursuing my singing career has always been something I've held tightly to. I do alot of great things..I'm not great at dancing...not great at many things..but,one thing I know,I strive to improve is my voice. I've had NO formal training..I was gifted with an instrument most with formal training are still )wishing and hoping for).

I laid there thinking of the benefit a second go-round granted-the things I would do differently,the changes I would make,et cetera...Collectively,all would benefit. So,for me to indulge in what is and what would be,wouldn't be fair..I've had a pretty decent life but,I certainly would love have that second chance. I can't express enough how I foresee a direction in which my life is taking and the changes that will take place. Thanks to those,I've come to associate myself with. It's a beautiful thing. The optimism. Who knew optimism was so exemplary.

(exhale)

I have a vision. Have always had a vision of what my life is suppose to be versus what it is..

As far as,what I want it to be..I'm heading towards it,enthusiastically.

Eradicating harmful habits..destiny mutilating thought patterns..eww-yucky-gross behavior patterns..(not hygienic wise..but,things like,profanity<-eww-yucky-gross,see?)

-Today was the beginning..7am this morning,I was picked up by his driver,in the new '09 two door benzo..to be brought to my home. Although he took the absolute longest effin' way to get to my house,it was nice. I had the time to exalt and just bask in my glory..I was also reminded of what life use to be like,when I took life for granted.. I firmly believe,I was knocked out of my "glory",because I was losing my humility and my true sense of self in these material possessions. Blind-sighted by designer duds..luxury vehicles..family's immaculate abode..thinking,the world owed me something...forgetting that I'm not here by happenstance..nor am I here by my own doing. I'm here by some divine being up there somewhere who feels the need to fulfill my purpose and share my gift. You know,I'd lost focus on doing what is I love..seeing it for it's consumption,and not the feeling of compassion behind these dreams. I lost it. Now,I'm trying to regain the mindset in which I jumped into this endeavor with..I enjoy the thought of indulging in these wondrous blessings..I can't help but,feel change..I do feel my evolvement..I think,my life is forever changing..this time,lasting for good!

[sigh]

I'm learning. Moving. Changing. Growing. Giving more to be more.

(collectively,that is...)

Difficult time/Uncomfortable place

Comply to these rules of the following for an ethical life.

• Never need praise,approval or sympathy.
• Be your own advisor.
• Keep your own counsel.
• Select your own decisions.
• Trust yourself first.

-Scientology Code of Honor,L. Ron Hubbard

--Honestly,I'm contemplating committing myself into a rehabilitation facility to help me rid myself of the depression, anxietic & emotional issues I face. I've got to get this situation under wraps. I have to do a self evaluation..maybe it would be a wise decision for me.

--Accosting a very stagnate period in my life, only to have it magnified by the media (i.e. Queer Society) and dealing with it, I'm doing better than ever. I'm on this quest to learn to lose friends and alienate people. I'm embarking upon an introspective endeavor this year. .learning more and more about myself and what to do with these perpetually uncomfortable charactistics. Being enormously co-dependent nor taking care of myself emotionally. Not expressing my anger or discomfort. I spent a large time in my life being told where to stand, how to stand and what to do. It definitely breeds the kind of person who's dependent upon other people's approval. I'm learning if I trust myself and had listened to myself all the times I'd ignored myself,I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm currently repelling. The sense that you are an outsider can be an especially lonely enterprise because the longing for acceptance and approval is enormously powerful. We rarely acknowledge the magnetic pull of this longing once we pass the trials of adolescence, but it affects all of us as we venture thrugh our lives. I've exasperatedly trying to make conscious and wise decisions to choose integrity over the cloying comfort of conformance and even more so to recognize that I am not an outsider, that my principled stance has propelled me to the center of a controversial place where I am respected, if not admired.

--Everyone has to learn their lesson..I'm trying to learn mine. I have been doing alot of reading since the commencement of the year and I'm doing alot of self searching. Excercizing profusely-an endeavor that has my abs in excruciating pain-I haven't smoked in a month..I've been replacing my urge to smoke or scream with jogging, an excessive number of crunches & push ups for an hour. It's a great stress relief.

--Things are looking beautiful in the romantic..until recently.. DJ came along. He always makes his sporadic appearances when I'm dating someone new and attempts to taint my focus. (ie,uncomfortable place) Though he has an inexplicable hold on my heart,I am not by any means,trying to move backwards. I have no desire to place myself in a position where I doubt my ability to be a great spouse. It's incredible how he affects my focus. But, this young man loves me-inspite of all my flaws. Which means more to me than anything,I've ever had in my entire life. Nevertheless,I sustain with Roland. Trying to try something new. Something fresh. It's difficult to wanna be with a guy..let alone the right guy.

-->New Year. New love affair? Who knows?

I've read:

"Passion is not an event, but an energy; and it's an energy that exists in all of us,all the time."
-Derrick Bell,Ethical Ambitions.

I continue to ask myself, "What is my purpose on this planet?" I often get to the point where I have to question my existence when faced with such stagnancy. I blame people and certain positions for my karmic disposition. When I should be working tirelessly to change my position. Constantly bickering about being in New Orleans bringing about this state of "penguin-esque" behavior..(ie unable to fly,as I incessantly dream).

-Although this may be true and very uncomfortable,I'm taking the responsibility for my lack of a life and enthusiasm. My passion and creative energy has been depleted..as well as,my funds..so,I've applied to work in a local fuckfaced gift shop to see what will happen. Got the interview. No call back. How devastating? When I've reached out,aimlessly, trying to lead a more reformed life. Dealing exclusively with what happens, where I am..and understanding that wherever I go. Here I am. It's my thought process that corrupts my movement. It's hard to break a pattern that have cultivated for years and years..and the breaking of this pattern will strengthen my ability to reverse my karma. Which I hold strongly to my Karmic belief. I've also decided to research Gnostic Gospels (from the Greek ,reflective knowledge & insight). I find value and strong adherence to Gnostics, which is an early Christian sect who accepted the word but,interpreted it differently. From a startlingly perspective on early Christianity,describing many of the people and events found in the New Testament.

Gnsotics: literally,"Straight Thinking"

Don't hold my views against me. I believe what I believe. I was brought up in a Christian home. Being told to believe that somewhere beyond the sky,there's a huge white mansion with enough rooms for the entire world to occupy..I just don't get it. I'm a Christian, but I guess,I just don't believe in the same things a Christian is said to believe. The virgin birth,the miracles, the resurrection. I even have trouble with imagining God as a supernatural being who controls all that happens in the world,punishing evil and rewarding good. I wanted to believe but,I can't fake it for purposes of fire insurance. I'm trying to lead an ethical life and ethical people want nothing to do with organized religion. It's faith that provides me emotional fuel,the kinetic connection to ther other elements of my character. Exploring my own evolving understanding of how my faith serves as the foundation of my effort to live and ethical life,I stand firmly in this affirmation. Christmas and Easter are still respected holidays..but,some of you readers have to get real. I'm not an Atheist..I swear. I'm a realist. All of my life, I have been swept along,lifted up really,by the sense that I was part of a religious tradition that earned salvation by doing good works, trying to live a good life. My belief in Christ does not limit me to Christian doctrine. What most attracted me to the teachings was his courage and his vision of radical inclusiveness. They speak on the exclusion of homosexuality but,they fail to realize that Jesus' teachings were revelatory and revolutionary.Christianity should embrace, not exclude. Okay..Okay..I'm done..I swear.

I'll conclude that particular topic...as a matter of fact,I'll conclude the blog all together with Jesus's request before crucifixion:

Do not lie. Do not do what you hate.

Ethic Living.Wiser Encounters.

I recently embarked upon this literature binge and I must say it's been quite enlightening. I've always suffered from "incompletion syndrome",lol. I never really complete anything,so this year,I am determined to finish everything I commence.
-I recently jumped into this amazing book by author Derrick Bell by the name,"Ethical Ambitions". May I deem it absolutely wonderful! I doused myself in this literary amazement park,I felt brand some kind of way by the end of the book,that I completed in the course of two days. It was wonderful and captivating. Kudos to Mr. Bell, who spoke about Gnostics-spiritual truth in which I would like to study a bit more. The different chapters were focused on Passion,Humility,Evolving Relationships and Restoring Faith,which he conducted in such a way to teach that in everything we do, we must do it ethically. An unethical life isn't a life at all. There was a particular part in the chapter focusing on Faith,when he spoke about the Disciples conversation with God. When they asked what should they do now that Jesus was being crucifed. Questions were formed like, "Should we fast?", "How should we diet?" and many others,they don't quite come to mind as vividly as I would have hoped,but ONE thing that does come to mind and as bright as lightning,may I add-was Jesus' response. He spake a simple phrase:

Do not lie. And,do not do what you hate.

-That made my eyes well. I'd decided that I would attempt change. And,hold steadfastly to his request.

-Stop lying and stick solely to what I love. How wonderful?

This book was absolutely informative on soo many levels. Not only on spiritual levels but,every aspect of life. You all need to go out and purchase this book. Full of wonderful wording and great uplifting spirits,which you can tell in his writing. I'm trying to learn more about why we do what we do and the characteristics in which we indulge. I'm trying to make amends with broken relationships and just keep it 100% within myself. I'm looking forward to indulging in Gnosticism. Breaking the breaking barriers between the spiritual "myths" and merging truth with what we've been taught our entire life. What science,technology and real life-has brought us to believe. I love that things are clearing up for me in the religious aspect.

-But,this year,I desire nothing more than to know myself. That's all. Thank goodness for the spirit of evolving.

[untitled]

My heart grieves for you,love.
I often wish,I'd never experienced love.
Unconditional love is inevitable.
But,my heart longs for much more that love.
I have the most hate in my heart.
Which is concealed by smiles,laughter and constant forced conversation.
Don't need to go into my father being absent.
Family doesn't understand.
Don't speak to me about your day..
Today and every day from here on out is my day.
Don't speak to me about your life.
This is my life.
And,I hate that you're in it.
Love versus hate..an interesting confliction.
Isn't it?
God didn't make me normal or so I've heard..
Hell..God didn't make me.
I created me.
To all those who have ever claimed to love me
Probably never truly understoood me..
I don't say,"I love you" just to say it..
But,now I'm like,"Fuck love"..
Does it even exist?
Who cares anymore..[sigh]
Love is soo overrated.
It's soo uncivilized.

Countdown.Celebrate.Opportunity. Change.

Beautiful,isn't it?
It's a brand new day,11:59p on December 31st marked a new year..January 15th marks the inauguration of a new president by the name of Barack Obama...are we prepared for change?

Ladies and Gentleman,we have an African American family in the White House! Can we say "Change"? Not to focus solely on race because in my world,truthfully,race doesn't really exist,but I am proud of him. Very proud,indeed. Let's shed some light on Michelle,who has now shed light on what else is out there other than these ghetto,groupie ass black chicks.
-Oh,look! There are lots of professional black women,too! Dear Goodness! I hate the stereotypes and the preconception that shackle these women. Thank goodness for change.

We are all awakening,as a union. I don't desire to surround myself with close-minded people that tend to think the other race is out to get them..that's foolery. And,fumigating the world with such is a greater form of blasphemy. I'd rather surround myself with folks that see the world in shades of grey. Period. No black,no white.
Times are indubitably changing.
--
Two thousand nine brings new views,profound lessons and less boundaries than ever faced. We are setting notions aside because of the change we taste and feel. Savoring every little morsel of beauty in this world we live in.
It's beautiful isn't it?
The anticipation of 2009,makes me consider new moves..new choices.
Should I return to the familiar New York? Or should I consider San Fran? A change in location? Why,not?
Desire for education? Definitely.
January is here. 2009 is here.. We have to get a move on!

Choices.
It's beautiful,isn't it?

Onward & Upward.