What I'm Becoming..

With everything going on in my life,something always comes in a shifts me,slightly off balance. I was speaking to an old friend,who's a veteran in this fashion industry,he has designed pieces for everyone from Diva La Belle to Lil' Kim. He adds more "enlightening fluid" to this out of control but,very much so controlled fire of mine. This weekend,it was almost like I was in two places at once. I had an hour flight to Houston,for a family's house warming,leave the party at 8 then, hop on a 10:30p flight to Chicago for a final fitting for a client of mine.

We stand at the door awaiting our pick up..by "we",I mean,my bff & partner,B. Causing quite a stir,everyone wants to know who these "fabulous gay guys" are on passerby asks when she asks us to take a picture with her. B. wearing stonewashed Dsquared2 jeans,graphic tee under a black leather jacket,a pair of blue suede Supra's and his brown leather Guccissima tote..and black duffel bag..and eyes ensconced behind black 54's . I standing in a pair of dark blue Trues, large grey tee deep v t-shirt and an oversize Zegna cashmere sweater belted with DVF's studded black belt..and my calf length brown Ugg's and neon yellow 54's on. My hair was "Beatles-esque" and left arm heavy due to the hardware and charms that embellished my wrist.

We snap a few photos for the on-lookers and just like,celeb style,lol,our all black shiny SUV pulls up,two guys (one the groom,the other a super cutie) hops out..greets us..grabs our bags and within a flash we're whisked away to the freeway. We are driven to the Westin hotel on Michigan Avenue. Derron,the groom,hands me the keys to our room. Informs me that he'll be here at 2p tomorrow,he'll call me when he leaves the house. So,we head to the elevators and head to our room. 16Th floor. Wonderful view... We get into our room and settle down..we both took our cell phones out,which haven't been powered on yet..We dread it. I plug my phone to the charger,turn it on and lay down. I get a text from DJ asking if I was going to call him or not..I decided to call. I explain I'd just got in. I call him and keep it very short and brief. Not explaining anything. Holding back all information..my location..my true whereabouts..etc..etc..B.,who has a whole bed to himself,is lying in my bed..eavesdropping..as we watch Step Brother's on Pay Per View..

Anyway,so we get into the movie and I get a text from E.D.,telling me to call him. He was suppose to have arrived on yesterday,but he's arriving tomorrow morning..I designed the dress, he's bringing my illustration to life. Wonderful man. Absolutely wonderful. So,I call him. He answers the call with song,"You make me feel.." Oh,no. I burst into laughter. He tells me,he wants to have a little chit chat with me about my business plan and other little things. We hang up. Watch a little of the movie,then decide to get dressed and go to the bar down the street from our hotel. A nice spot. Name,I can't remember for the life of me. They showed us soo much love. Some lady in a red dress and red heels bought us drinks..we had a ball. We went into the bathroom to do a few lines..little did we know there would be a group of white gay guys doing their own little thing in the corner. Ya! Coke or Cola!?! We met a few cute guys, we carcass amongst the crowd.. being the cute,fly ones with all the attention have been our forte`,since before we met..so,of course,we just lapped it all up.

Until ol' boy began to grope and fondle. The white girl doesn't make me horny. It makes me talkative. It's great for networking..being the center of attention,when need be..you know? So, we make moves with that. I got sick of being man handled..and by the skater boy with the scuffed converse and the hole under his arm..I don't think so. So,we took photos with the group and heading to our room. We get to our room and there's nothing else to do. So,we go back downstairs to the nearest alley way and smoke. Then,go back upstairs and do some junkie shit,lol.

So,we fall asleep..

We wake up due to a knock on the door.."knock knock knock", I don't budge. B.,jumps out of bed and bombards the door. Swings it open,it's E.D. informing me that he's here and that he set lunch reservations for the two of us downstairs. I yell out from bed,"yea,ok..see you at Noon." I fall back into a deep sleep and get up at 11:43a...I remember specifically because De Ray sent me three text msgs in that minute. I got up. Showered and stood amid this room,which now resembled a neglected fitting room..I grab my black super skinnies,my black "love Karl" tee shirt and black leather jacket..slid on a pair of black and white converse in low top..grab my Croc skin bag..slide on my neon yellow frames and head downstairs. E.D. is already seated. Before I even get to the hostess,she knew my name and who I was looking for. She shows me to our table and he looks up at me over his tortoise shell eyeglasses and said,"Immaculate timing. You're soo professional." He begins. Edwing is a phenomenon. He digs into my brain all the time. He's constantly making sure I'm on my toes. And,he says I amaze him every time,but I'm left mind boggled..trying to make sure I'd answered the damn question as efficiently and professionally as possible.

Although,we're good friends,we keep our relationship very business oriented. He's mentoring me and I love it. He begins:

E.D.:"What's the last thing you torn down and re-reconstructed?"

J.D.: What is this? Question and Answer? Oh,my gawd..already? The last thing I demolished and re-reconstructed was my relationship with everyone around me. I do that from time to time to assess friendships. You can't really value something or someone that shouldn't be of value these days,we're going through a recession,for Christ's sake,you know?

E: Great answer. How do you feel right now?

J.: I feel all sorts of things,right now. I'm tired. I'm hungover. I'm anxious.

(long pause)

Honestly,right this second,I feel like a horse with blinders on and you're my jockey guy..guiding me,helping me gain better focus on myself.

E: How do you feel about our relationship?

J.: I value our relationship. We're friends. You're an amazing designer and I feel it's great to have you..like, a liaisons,you know? You teach me so much,I can't help but be grateful. You wear me to shreds sometimes,but I appreciate the challenge.

E.: Good. This time around what will be different?

J: (takes deep breath) It's as if,falling, created little cracks in my armor and revealed humanity beneath. Everyone viewed me as unapproachable,complicated and very put together. When behind closed doors,I'm very approachable,I'm always complicated..and I'm very disheveled and unbelievably fragile. The fragility,of course,is contingent upon what's at stake. What will be different? I'm not entirely sure. I just feel a difference..(pause).. I mean,what is everyone expecting-a detailed,revealing confession from a young guy who's never shown himself to be a bit emotional,detailed or revealing??

E.: Your business plan lacked in some areas,other areas were absolutely amazing. I was pleased with where you're going. How you handle things,is a pleasure to watch. You're always so poised and yes,can appear very unapproachable,but you know,Lagerfeld is that way,he's a Virgo,too you know? How have you changed?

J.: Yes,I know. My plan lapsed because at the time,I'm living in New York,I'm living this "fab" life to the outsiders looking in..I was young and stupid. I'd thrown myself directly in the middle of the Big Apple,just as I'd wanted to do and came out a changed man. I learned soo much from those who surrounded me..I was fascinated by every single person,I met. Man,woman,boy girl.. if you were driven and actually pursuing your dream,you were my hero,you know? I look at it like, I nosedived right in and actually gave myself the opportunity to grow up and do things at my own pace..even if it was on another's expense. You know? I read a lot of Andy Warhol books and his words are powerful..so,powerful it's ridiculous. He taught me how to be a New Yorker. Think as a New Yorker. He's amazing. You know,at one point,in my mind,I did nothing wrong..but,thankfully,I've realized that I am not perfect. In New York,after all, what matters is results. New York is one of a kind. It made me ask all the tough questions. It brought out the absolute fucking best in me. There are still things I have to work on,of course..but,that's the greatest part! (pauses and lets out a sigh) Revealing the truth about yourself always feels soo damn liberating.

E.: In your text to me,yesterday you said you felt like,"Humpty Dumpty"..why is that?

(our food arrives..chicken ravioli..white wine..and Le Dulce cheesecake for me. Salad for him.)

J.: Well,I eradicated soo much of the "old me",I had to ask. What parts do you put back together? Damage control is all about perusing the best of bad options,they say and you most certainly can not put in what God left out. I'm heartbroken. Dealing with it. I'm angry with the world,but I'm dealing with it. When you me,you told me,I possessed great humility and greater austerity. And,I grasped tightly to that. I love that. I feel that's how it's suppose to be. Especially coming into an industry where people will take advantage of you. If they see you can make lots of money,they will certainly take advantage of you. I have a long list of misuser's and abusers, but it's the austerity that keeps me moving and the humility that helps me to-

E.: Forgive or forget?

J.: Ha! I wish I could forgive easier. An honest mistake is something I find easiest to forgive..but, I'd rather seek revenge. Ask Karl..he'll certainly attest to that!

E: How do you deal with what you've gone through with the "users and abusers"?

J.: I put myself in a position to understand that, no matter who has what, the truth will be revealed. That's ultimately the place I want to be in. I have soo much to give. Not material. Nor am I just soo financially blessed that I can just dish,dish..and at one point,I painted pictures like that. Because I wanted to believe that's where I was. But,when I ended up broke,alone and all I had was Darryl Smith aka B.? I was like,'fuck everything and everyone else!' This is absolute bullshit. We've got to do better. If they hate me,good for them. If they love me? Well, that's even better for them..but,I'm so much more observant. And,honestly with my team,I'm harder to get to. Believe me. I'm no longer seeking friendships,approval..blase blah..I'm really just trying to do the best I have with what I've got and that's the absolute best friends,a wonderful family and relationship thats sort of on the rocks but,salvageable. We're deeply in love but,our relationship is very love/hate. But,we make it work..as far as the users and abusers,I have no place for them. I rarely have time for the associations I have and if I do give someone time,that means,they must matter a hell of a lot!

(An hour later,we met up with B.,made it to the fitting/consultation. Had a few drinks with the wedding party and boarded our 6o'clock flight to New Orleans.)

Being home never felt so good.

Headed BACK to Chicago in a few weeks..

Oh,yea! I forgot to mention..

I'm back on tour!

Pray for me!

Suffering Succotash!

The last 24 or 36 hours have been spent lying in bed..in and out of sleep in a bed soaked with sweat. A throat so sore,you would think,it hated me..A headache soo severe,you would think my brain was about to explode. My body aches like I've been working out (which I haven't in a month or so..).

The effin' flu..

Like,now..I'm sitting at the bar,fully clothed..drenched with sweat running down my back,chest,stomach and forehead. Thank God for my immune system fighting for it's right,lol. I'm suffering. You can't imagine my discomfort..last night,the coughing began. The painful..scrunch my face to recover type of cough,you know? My hair looks an absolute mess and what's funny is that I don't give a shit. My nail polish is chipped and peeling..and I don't give a flying shit. I just want to lie in bed and sweat this shit away..and when I'm better,I'll head to the salon and get my shit together,lol. Maybe I'll go later,that may make me feel better..

OK. A lot of these blogs,I write for feedback and since I get hardly any..besides Steve..I'll throw a few things out there..JayLee has been MIA..that's my number one commentator. I love her thoughts and I value her opinion and it's funny,because I haven't known her for very long but,she's talented beyond belief and she sees things other people can't see. So,I need that type of visionary in my circle.

-It's soo amazing how I speak things into existence. I have perfect timing. I don't know,if it's an anointing or what..because I feel sometimes like,I'm a psychic..lol..or even capable of prophesying..After that brutal break up speech..that "I'm letting it go" speech,I get a phone call from DJ on last night. He opens with an improper salutation "what up,I know you're mad at me,so just say what you have to say.." With this voice of a child, trying to remain in my good graces. I explained that I wasn't mad. And,that I had nothing to say. I'm currently under the weather,I'm not going to argue nor will I stress myself out,only making my situation worse. I gave him his opportunity to explain and it was sort of a foolish act. And,normally,I wouldn't forgive him..I forgave him. Not because I'm naive. I can't stress enough,how I lack the time to continue the bullshit. You're a grown man, my nigga. That's how I see it..so,to be with me you should endure all drastic measures,just as I would do in order to get to you. Often times,I see that he doesn't need me the way I feel I need him. It's difficult to digest but,you know..it's what happens. He's a man. He doesn't get into that "mode" very easily..although,it is rather easy for him to show his vulnerable side with tears. Awkward,yes..I know.

But,last night,something in me changed. I sat on the phone calm..not forced. Humbled. Straightforward. Expressing everything on my chest..things,I've reiterated time and time again. Of course,I know when you've done wrong and you were caught,you don't want to continuously be reminded..so,I just said my "peace" and called it an evening. I brought the conversation to a close. And,slept peacefully.

I was able to sleep past 4:33a..I was even able to sleep past 7a..which I'm not always so fortunate to do.
I woke up this morning with a minor situation with my mother,but I paid it no mind. As I said,I don't feel well and I can't afford to make my body feel worst with confrontations and screaming. It's time for all that shit to cease.

Let's just hope,I feel better..I went out and spent 40 dollars on gatorade..ibuprofen..water (that I'll drink room temp)..sea salt to gargle...theraflu..ice packs and magazines..since I'm gonna be in bed for a minute, I may as well entertain myself,right? (lol)

Wish me luck.
Gonna take a nap.

3.23.09

Things are hard right now.

I say things are hard because I'm standing at a fork in the road. Questioning my motives & thoughts. Trying to figure out what's the best move for me to make. Do I jump up and head back to New York or do I stay here,enroll in school and get my life in order? Of course,there is the situation with DJ,where I'm questioning if I should follow through with this so called invitation for the relationship to work,but I'm feeling some sort of way about it. He says he doesn't want to live without me and yet,I haven't heard from him in four days...(sigh)

->Verbally,I can't really express the angst and the burden upon my heart,right now. You can see it. You may even feel it. I just walked pass the laundry where I overheard my mother loading clothes in the dryer,talking about my little brother. Crying. There is no other hurtful feeling than the feeling you get when you hear your mother or see your mother crying. It's crazy. We haven't heard from my little brother in a few days..and it's been sort of heavy on her. It's been heavy on me,too of course because I want to know he's "ok"..he's become a man and has ventured off into the world of the "street life"..of course,it's scary. We need to be concerned.

I'm stuck in this uncomfortably gruesome mood,because yesterday I made a reappearance on the scene. I saw the two faced bitches I'd once modified as friends. I spoke. Dished out a few hugs. I was respectful and cute. Hair blown all over my head,from the horrid winds,but you know, seeing the look on their faces did more for me than me seeking revenge. Oh,yes. I'm still alive & well. I'm still fly as hell. And,I'm getting thicker than a snicker. I don't have much to think about when it comes to these niggas..honestly. I was heartbroken,that they weren't true, but I'd rather be a lonesome son of a bitch than to be around two faced bitches. That smile in your face shit. That talk behind your back shit..I can do without. I spoke and didn't think twice. Maybe I didn't react because I was on a vicodin (2 tablets). Feeling quite comfortable in these streets that were filled,as if, it were Mardi Gras..knowing,I have anxiety issues. Unbelievably comfortable. I just didn't feel the need to go crazy,be catty. I know you despise me. I've heard about the rumors you spread. But,you know,life is all about moving forward and progressing..so,hold on? Grudge? No ma'am. How about laugh?!

So,I was stoned out and now I'm suffering the consequences of being "stoned". I'm not in the best mood. I'm ultra tired. Have suppressed thoughts. Couldn't even enjoy having lunch with my sister,Charlet. She wanted to have a little chit chat. I wasn't enthused,let alone up for it. We went to Reginelli's a little Italian joint on Magazine St.,she dressed to impress (she said,"I wanted to impress you.") In a black leather mini from "the Row",an Alexander Wang tank under a jean jacket and a pair of sky high white ankle boots with a cute little clutch. Nice. I wore brown plaid harem pants,white V-neck tee shirt under a dark blue jean jacket..eyes ensconced in large black frames..of course,I wore my black alligator tote..filled with all the April issues of Harper's Bazaar,Vogue,GQ,Details,Paper,Zink,Elle, and OUT. We spoke about different things her relationship is going down the rocks,my so called relationship is pretty stagnant at this point.. I haven't spoken to him in what? Almost a week,now. So,I'm pretty much over the bullshit. We do a lot of crazy things in love. But,this is coming to a close. Again.

So,we basically discussed everything on our minds. Over delicious pizza and a Chardonnay. We laugh when I mention,we should hold a funeral for our broken hearts and have a "we're single again" party. She concurs. It gets quiet after a few minutes. I'm staring off into the street watching people walk up and down the sidewalk..thinking of nothing in particular,just thinking..
She breaks the silence..

"You know,I know, you love this boy. He hasn't shown or proven anything since you guys have been back together. So,if he feels he's tired of proving himself. Let him go. Because if he wants to be with you,he wouldn't grow tired..he would continue to do it. Over and over and over until everything between you two is worked out. I'm your sister. I don't want you to go through the same bullshit he brought you through 3 years ago. It's time for change. And,he hasn't called you in a week? Fuck Don."

I sit in silence. Staring at her from behind my glasses. I take a sip. Prepare to speak. Takes another sip. I smile. Because I have gone through soo much with this dude and although you send me flowers and a phone call every now and again doesn't necessarily mean you've proven that you're ready. I'm the type of bitch that goes off of actions. Not words. Many people can say shit. Doesn't necessarily mean they mean it. I'm okay without him being in my life. I swear I am. Of course,I don't want it to be that way,you know? But,I'm okay without you. The worrying. The concerns. The bullshit. I don't possess the toleration for it. I imagine things with us will smooth out in the future. I imagined that we'll become "one" and become an example for the younger generations to come. Yes,he's a gorgeous man..with awful habits. He's a driven man. He's determined and that's what I love about him,but I'm no sideline bitch. And,all the groupie niggers you got going..when I came BACK into the picture,that shit should have come to a screeching halt. What do I do? I remember when he fell in love with me. I remember when things were soo great between us. And,I remember when he broke my heart. And,I haven't healed since. How can I get back into a relationship with the man that broke my heart and I'm obviously still wounded?

Last night,I was on the phone with a friend,D-Ray and he asks me,"Why don't you talk about your exes? Why don't you ever speak about them?" I answer abruptly,"Why do I have to mention them? Apparently,they're "exes" for a reason." He is 6'1..gorgeous personality..very slim (with the nicest butt,lol)..He's the sweetest person,I've come across in a very long time. The other night he texts me saying,"I wanna c u. I get off at 3am." I replied by saying,"When do you wanna see me then?" He answered,"3:01" The most darling thing. He's adorable. And,most importantly,he stands in admiration when he sees me. Always smiling when we're talking. He makes me laugh. And,we're just friends..of course,there's an attraction,but he's just getting out of a relationship,some months ago..I'm going through this crazy bullshit with DJ and Ja..it's crazy..but,it's SO very comforting to have someone to talk to and and pull me close when I get quiet and ask,"whats on your mind like that?" You know?

Idk..

Life.
They say life is what we make it.
Am I really making it harder than it should be?

Are you there vodka?
It's me,J.

3.22.09

It's been a whole week since,I've heard from him. And,would you like to know something funny? I haven't tried to call nor I have been angry. Of course,it's comical to me that he says he wants to be with me, when it's obvious he has other things on his mind. I have a lot on my mind,too. Just so you know,we're "good".

Our communication isn't that great. I'm still wounded. You're sick of me. It's obvious. You're thinking,what I'm thinking? Are we meant to just be distant friends? Never. I couldn't possibly be your friend. I love you way to much. It's hard to understand-but,that may be our destiny. I try very hard to let go..but,the pain was and some how still is soo excruciating,dude..you don't understand. I'm stuck. Everyone asks "why". Everyone scrunches their faces at the mention of your name..and I,the "dumb and in love",foolishly couldn't care less.

Talking to my sister,made me realize so much. Her story much like our story..and I fear the end is near. If it hasn't already reared it's ugly head. No more JD & DJ. No more late night pillow talk? No love making? Ever?

This vicodin is kicking in..I popped 2.

[3.19.09]

[scratches head]

I have a lot of things to talk about this morning..so,I'll jump right to it.

OK,last night,I attended a conference dubbed the "Faith Conference" and as a lot of you readers may have read, I'd sort of fallen off of the "gospel singing bandwagon". I stumbled across some knowledge,in which I've applied. I'm not a weak being,easily influenced..manipulated..or whatever. Of course,we've all had our dumb moments-excuse me-our naive moments in love..we've all had situations where "beef" (an altercation/confrontation) had been broiled by an unofficial cook and we took it a step further than necessary..but,of course,IN THE END we gain clarification. Well,the book I read was an amazing one. Something I would discuss forever.

But,last night!

Last night was the meat sauce that popped the string of linguine..(wait,what? lmao)

--Well,you know,I'm a ditz..nerd..cornball..so,things just pop up out of nowhere!

Ok. On with it.

Last night,I attended this conference. Apprehensive,of course..dressed shabbily,if I may add. An over sized button down..a pair of jeans and a baseball cap to top it off (literally). So,I sat down..as the choir sang..horribly. For the first time in two years,I socialized at church. Well,besides the usual people complimenting my wardrobe..my hair..asking about my rates. Other than the pastor and first lady,I have no reason to really socialize with the congregation. I'm super weird about that whole "church folk" thing..you know,smiling in your face..gossiping behind your back..yeah..that thing. Actress,Tasha Smith actually spoke to me about being delivered from people.. So,I appreciate the friendship we share.

Well,the speaker was Pastor Steve O. Allen..wonderful guy from La Place. He spoke on "Expectations & Fear".

To summarize:

Speak everything you want into existence. Expect great things and eliminate the spirit of fear.

Honestly,I find myself fearful a lot of the time. I mean,don't get me wrong,I'm not a lion,although I come off as one..I'm more of a wise Antelope..that's dating the Lion,lol..if you catch my drift. Any how,we started in Isaiah- No weapon formed against me shall prosper.. He goes on to say,"It takes spiritual power to fight a spiritual enemy"..which is profoundly true. He also goes on to say how we have more faith in the enemy than we do in our God. Meaning God said he's to give me life more abundantly,did he not? And, the enemy comes to steal,kill and destroy. That hit it dead on the nose. Because in this time in my life,where I'm trusting God to open these amazing doors for me,I'm standing in fear. Thinking it won't and it can't happen..and maybe that's why I haven't been too successful with finding backers and getting great deals on property..or maybe it's just the economy..(sigh). But,I know everything is going to get better. Just as I knew,Barack would be our president. Everyone spoke about how they never thought it would happen..I always knew it would happen.. you know? So,I guess,in the back of my mind there is some faith..but,I must exude faith in all I do & say.

So,after all the first night was brought to close,Pastor did his alter call..I,of course had soo much stuff on my heart,I felt compelled to walk up to him and get it straight. He prayed for me. We went to the back and Steve and Pastor both spoke with me about what was on my heart. I expressed that I've been ridiculously depressed. Hiding it by wearing flashy clothes and the attitude,how I dread waking up in the morning being in New Orleans,not having any work..being creatively drained..having depleted funds by taking care of business for my family..(I sort of feel like,Qwanell from Day26) I've no true friends...

Steve interrupts by saying," Faith is the substance of things hoped for,the evidence of things not seen. So,Lil' brother,you have to believe that thing will change for you. Repeat after me,say 'I believe God'." Of course,I repeat it..and I was hesitant at first,because I didn't want to say it,just because he told me to..I wanted to say and actually mean it. And,I really do believe it. I grew up in religion. My uncle is Bishop Brister,my dad was a pastor for some time..my mom, a firm believer. Why I strayed away,I don't know. But,I stepped out on faith yesterday,with the belief that things will change if I do this. Thus far..I'm not depressed..a little upset because I need to get my hair done,but other than that..I'm good. Really good. Steve continues," Be not afraid,only believe. Don't worry about work. Delay is not denial. As far as,you losing friends..Man! You're an Eagle. I can tell. And,eagles don't fly with little birds." Then,Pastor jumps in,"You know,J..I didn't quit stuff. Stuff quit me. They stopped answering and returning your calls? They stopped speaking to you? You arrive at parties and they don't parlay with you? That the sign that you've shifted. You've taken it to another level. You have to be careful who you associate with and walk with. You can't walk in faith,hanging around "doubty",fearful folk."

It's soo amazing how they hit it directly on the nose. I almost cried. But,it's been some time,since I actually sought the word of God. And,felt the delivery. I'm at a point in my life,where I don't want to be around stagnant beings. Stagnancy worries me..and being here,I'm certainly surrounded by just that. If I were to list names,I guarantee you'll find every one of those noted here in the city..doing the same stuff they were doing years ago. And,that disgusts me. I don't even party. Unless,it's at some one's house. I don't want to talk to anyone,because I may rub them the wrong way..I couldn't careless how someone feels about me,but in the end..I long to be understood.

Yes,they did stop speaking to me.

Yes,they did stop returning my calls..answering my calls..but,with the loss of every associate and fake friend, I gained something that elongates and strengthens my resume. So,I don't worry about things like that. But,it's hard being in my shoes (let's not forget,I don't buy shoes to walk in..I buy shoes to look cute).So,that's really hard,lol. I needed to be encouraged. I needed to be reminded that although I walked away,God didn't leave my side. He's always been there. He's the same yesterday,today and everyday! Rectification. Thank you. I needed to be encouraged and step out on faith believing that this relationship with DJ and I will work this time..I needed to believe that my business will succeed. I needed to trust that I will be out of debt and all my needs will be met. Most of all,I needed to be reassured the day will come when I'll lend, not borrow.It's hard to believe,yes..Easier to doubt. But,you know,great things come to those who fully understand his word.

And,I thoroughly understand. And,I'm incredibly thankful.

It's good to be back.

I've been sad. Indubitably suppressed..depressed...opressed..et cetera..et cetera. You have no idea. It was to the point where it took over my body. I was literally sick and tired of being sick and tired! I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I slept for three days straight.

--Still have a lot on my mind..but,I'm good. Trust me..I'm better.

I've been talked about by folk,I thought were true friends and folk that didn't know anything other than my first name.. I've been talked about, by family members, hell-I was jumped by family and thrown out on the street. Thank God,I'd made an association with someone that truly cared for me.

From now on,I'm encouraged to make nothing other than avid decisions.Especially, to stay in his graces. And,not pay any attention to the failures in my life. I'll focus on the successes achieved and the ones in the near future! (wink,wink)

"Ever tried,ever failed,no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

-Samuel Beckett

3.11.09

Today,wore me out..

I had a pretty busy day. Had a shopping emergency-which tore me to shreds. A client/friend of mine who's fiance` is a New Orleans rapper had an event to attend so,of course,she called on me to create a look. Of course,I delivered. The thing I love about me is that I always deliver. Regardless of the fact that I woke up at 1am this morning,because I thought I heard a fucking mouse in my room scurrying across my hardwood floor and I couldn't go back to sleep.

She called me at 7am..since she had an early hair appointment,I got up to get dressed..sliding on ultra slim blue jeans (which fit like,leggings)..over sized graphic tee and this black structured jacket..a Dolce sneaker and made my way to her condo. I arrived with make up kits and sketches in hand..toting my always large,always heavy carry all..over sized Gucci frames concealing my bloodshot tired, red eyes..words can't express. I sat on the couch in the living room..and fell comfortably to sleep for an hour or two.

We hit the shops at about 10am..after watching Cadillac Records and Role Model (super,duper funny!) We shopped for probably 6hours..finding 4 looks total..

white v-neck\black dhoti pants\python ankle strap platform shoes\denim vest\5 strand gold necklace..gold Armani watch

black dress with printed ruffle detail along the hem\black leather belt with large gold buckle detail to cinch waist\white platform sandal with ankle strap\black leather bomber\diamond pendant



ivory pajama-esque trouser\purple and green python pump\multicolored graphic tee under black Gucci bomber\jewel accordingly



acid wash jeans\white Victorian blouse\black satin vest\leopard Louboutin pump

We head to the salon. She gets hair & make up done (late)..Check in hand.
She's off.


I'm worn out..I swear,I'm worn out.

I come home to a house filled with family. My 4 little cousins,I call them my "little geniuses" (all boys) run to me. Hugs..high fives..low "dap"..they are the highlights of my day.

I lie in bed for a moment and get a call from DJ..and he's informing he's found an place in Jersey City. I,of course,don't want to live in Jersey City..I'm a city boy. I love the city. I don't love living on the outskirts..there is nothing in that area for me. I don't even feel safe when I'm outside of New York...You know? I don't know,it may be a good thing for us. To come home from the chaos and yipe and hype of the city to a quiet neighborhood..Idk..we'll see. So,we've agreed to live together. Make it work the best way we know how. By being together and loving one another. Serving one another...but,most importantly,loving one another the best way we know how. And,I ask,"Are you ready for this?" He answers my question with a question,"Are YOU ready for this?" Of course,I think I am..but,I'm soo afraid of making this house a home and it being broken. Of course,there will be mad temptations..mad situations where we'll fuss and argue,but I'm more than sure it'll be outweighed by the love and affection..the passionate conversations we bring forefront. I know,we can make it work.

So,with that, I was driven me to my "secret place". Deeply contemplating. Anticipating. Excited and nervous at the same time. You can say,I'm a tad apprehensive,truthfully. We've encountered some trials and major hardships in our relationship in the past. But,he's putting forth the effort to prove he's a changed man and he wants to be with me and only me..shit, he's the only one that can handle my treacherous mood swings..that attitude.that bitchiness,he's amused by it,lol..why I don't know,but he loves all that good shit,you know?

He's the only guy I've been with that I have shared every secret with. I've told him things,I would NEVER tell anyone else. And,he loves me still. Everyone doesn't have that. And,I find it awkward that I've watched movies and have been to weddings andhave friends tell me,"I'm marrying my best friend". I would stand in awe,like,"Aw...I want that." But,I've always had it. Hadn't realized it,until now. And,you guys,I love him. I'm no fool. I'm one of the most headstrong motherfuckers you would ever meet and when I say something I mean it..I've told soo many niggas,I'm done..it's over..I'm through..et cetera..et cetera and they wouldn't ever come back..he continues to pursue me,striving to obtain the love we've always dreamed of. And,most of all,he wants me.

Not like,some of these cliche ass relationships most of these kats go into blindly. He wants all of me. Not just so we can have sex and not return my call or break up with me the next day..it's crazy. He wants to make me happy and what's funny,is that I don't even know how to make me happy..besides buying shit. Investing in my wardrobe is what makes me happy. And,I'm speaking of myself..but,to have a man who's intrigued by my style,attitude-let alone,everything about me,invest in my wardrobe..that speaks volumes. But,I don't look to him for that.I'm still here. Hopelessly,in love with him. Loving everything about him and more. How over protective he is of his sisters & mom. How over protective he is of me (rolls eyes). How jealous hearted he is. How his laugh makes me smile and most of all,I love that when I'm smiling,his day is made. So,I went home and prayed on the topic. Asking that I be led in the direction that is most best for he and I.

And,this morning..it was on my mind..Love him beyond his means.

His 6'3 stature. His large clothing. I can't wait to sleep in them..fresh off his back. I can't wait to clunk around in his sneakers...cook him breakfast and dinner in his tee shirt..taste his morning and late night kiss...and actually make love in a house that we're making a home..

Humph! (scratches chin scruff and smiles gleefully)

Maybe my single life is being brought to a close...
And,God knows,I'm ready to be rescued from this dreadful,boring but,ultimately fabulous ritual of dating .
I'm ready to settle down.

P/S

You know,we're gonna need a dog..

"Chopped & Screwed"

-Can I share with you a secret?
Wait..before I tell you,promise me you won't tell anyone.

I have a crush on..
I'm experiencing..
I don't like him/her..

So many things bombard my mental. We're friends,right?
May I share with you,my views of infidelity between "friends"?
Are we even friends,if I can't trust you?

I think,we're more like,KiKi girlfriends..homeboys..associates..colleagues..business associates..smoking buddies..et cetera..et cetera..

I have come across a number of people in my lifetime. Those who leech themselves onto me expecting to suck something, if not everything, out of me. We hang out. We wine & dine. We party. We may even do a recreational drug,every now and again..I share secrets since,we've built a relationship on fun & fashion, now is the time to get serious. It's lovely that I haven't found anyone that I can trust fully. We share stories. I trust you enough to let you in. Personally,I'm very private when it comes down to my personal life. Who I'm dating..who I'm interested in..who I get intimate with,no one gets that close to know any of these things. Unless,of course,you're Darryl or Josh,my two closest friends. Of course,I have other friends who I share certain things with but,never everything.

I met someone in 2007,who came in contact with one of their old colleagues..she confides in him with a deep secret..but,before she tells him,she goes,"Don't tell anyone,though..please?" So,we have dinner later that night..at the dinner table,he blurts out her secret. I was repulsed. I feel like,this,I want you to be the friend to me,that I am to you. I'm trustworthy. Don't worry..I'm a secret safe..diary..whatever. I'm loyal to you..as long as you're loyal to me. Case & point.

I don't know what to think anymore.
Do I want to become one of those people with social anxiety? Afraid to go out and meet new folk,carcass and build relationships? I don't,but truthfully..I'm on my way. I just feel all this "infidelity within friendship" is soo juvenile. We're adults. We should carry on,as such. I was friends with Jalon since we were 6 years old..he hears a rumor about me,he runs off with it. Leaving me in the dark,unaware and heartbroken. CHOP. Gregory (the pathological liar) and I had been friends since high school. The only person that had my back..or so I thought. He left me high and dry many times..I still had his back and remained true. Dude spread rumors and personal business of mine. I never thought it would get to that. CHOP. Chris pulled me through during a tough time,only to try and slander my reputation. Steal my characteristics and actually attempted to BE me! Who does that? I shared some things with him. He ran off by the mouth and what? CHOP!
I could go on and on and on and on. But,I'm not Erykah Badu..so,I'll pass.

Who knew? I would stand here "true friend-less",but associate bound? Unable to trust anyone for that matter.
Broken hearted. And,bitter as fuck,truthfully speaking.

At this point in my life,I don't seek friendships. I don't expect much from people. I feed them with a "long handle" spoon. It's only fair. I still hold many of these people's secrets to this day. Should I expose them? I think,I should..but,I couldn't possibly bring myself to doing things like that.

What do we do in these predicaments?
I often hear,"pray for them" or "they'll get what's coming to them"..I suppose they will reap what they sow.
But,while I suffer from slanderous and betrayal..they are off living these lavish lives.
How could this be?

Friends.
How many of us have them?
Obviously,I don't..

Gravity..

When it's just you and I..
I find that you get me soo high.
Your will I shall comply..
You make me feel soo damn good.

Staring into nowhere.
Thinking, particularly of nothing.
Entranced..emotions enhanced..
I love how you make me feel.


I take it to my lips..
Suck on it..Come up..
Suck on it..Come up..
Inhale.
Damn..
You leave my lips,my vision blurs..
I concur..with life..

I love the taste you leave on my lips..
I miss you,everytime you're not around.
This time has replaced all the rest..
You feel me? I feel you..

Warmth..internal,external..
I release.
Eyes water..
[subconscious thinking..]

Dreaming.
Relaxed.
Soothed.

Puff.

And,then I come down..